Right. Now we’re onto the blasphemy of orange juice without any bits.
Yesterday we said we’d be impartial so we will have a good long think about the no bits variety of OJ and be unbiased, logical, reasonable, rational, and mature about all of this.
Even though we believe orange juice with bits to be the way to go, someone just can’t hack it. Let’s take a look into this.
The Disappointment of Orange Juice Without Bits
Orange juice without bits was invented by some prat who was overtly a fussy eater. Plagued with an obsessive-compulsive disorder, this individual figured:
“If I get this massive colander underneath where the OJ comes flying out of this here Orange Juice making machine then I can remove all the pulpy bits! We shall name this ‘Orange Juice: No Bits’ and intolerant morons like I shall rejoice across the world!”
Of course little did this individual care for the leftover bits.
Billions upon billions of pulp bits that did not never complete their destiny for, as we all know, every part of an orange must fulfill its destiny! Here’s what should happen, guv!
Standard Orange Eating Procedure for Bits Lovers
- With a free claw grasp the orange reasonably firmly. With other claw begin to pick at orange’s outer casing. Within 30 seconds become suitably enraged. Engage in obscenities, emotional displays, belligerence, and mindless fury for several more minutes until the orange is peeled.
- Stare confusedly at the bizarre white outer casing of orange. Wail in horror, “How do I get to the inner orangey excellence now!?” Decide to use the Sharpest Knife Known To Humanity. Slice orange into neat pieces.
- Consume leisurely, curse as your fingers become ridiculously sticky, and orange bits manage to get all over your face.
- Sit back for a few minutes in the knowledge your orange had a good death. Now feel annoyed about how one must wash hands in the nearest sink. Discard orange peel in a bin on way to sink as they are of no use anymore.
Orange Eating practice for Bits Haters
- Pull a chunk of orange skin off the orange. Realise this is futile. Think of a more intelligent approach to getting juicy orange excellence.
- Ram orange violently into face.
- Drop to the floor either dead, unconscious, or dead and unconscious.
Now, as any logical human being can see the “Bits Haters” have a moronic task ahead of them. This is why they had to invent orange juice without bits as otherwise they couldn’t eat oranges at all. Ever.
And then they would have developed scurvy! My conclusion, therefore, is thus—orange juice with bits is clearly the drink of choice for the intellectually developed members of humanity.
If you wish to give up you “No Bits” ways you can ring the following helpline for tips, advice, and the 24-hour clinic nearest to you. Oh, sorry, the number is unavailable!