We’ve all been there. On the last minute for work, or even, say, 33 minutes and 7 seconds late, and you need a reliable excuse. It doesn’t matter what really happened, such as over sleeping, or being stricken with scurvy, or being malodorous with gout. You need a proper excuse, one that’ll boost your Cool Rating amongst your peers. The best thing to do here is to actually MAKE SURE you suffered the ordeal you invent. So then it’s not actually false, and indeed, you can relay the tortuous information with a sense of realism even the best thespians in the world (such as Keith Chegwin) would be so very, very, very proud of. Quite. This, naturally, does mean you will have to face a fair bit of pain and humiliation but, when it comes to your career, there really is no alternative.
So, without much further magoo, here are the best excuses ever! Huzzah!
And here they all are! Feel free to use any of them during yor future working days (which you will be late for). However, don’t blame us if your attempt at any of the below backfires. Indeed, this is on your head and your brain only. Anyway, imagine, before providing one of the explanations below, your boss storming up to you red faced and demanding, “WHY ARE YOU LATE <insert name here>!??!?!?!?!?!?” Put on your puppy dog eyes and reel one of the following “orf”. Innit, geez.
“I heartily apologise. I had been plucking my lengthier nostril hairs with unwashed barbecue pincers and inadvertently managed to break my nose. I then had to reset my nose by getting my wife/husband/son/daughter/lover to drop our television set onto my head. Once I regained consciousness I rushed into work.”
“My foot got stuck in the toilet bowl. What was my foot doing in the toilet, you ask? Why, I was merely trying to unclog my toilet, dear sir!”
“Unfortunately I had to attend a wedding this morning. Whilst at the wedding I began to weep uncontrollably, and this emotional display began to disrupt the service. It was deemed by the Wife To Be that the only feasible way to quieten my verbose rampage was to get the Vicar to strike me very violently with his copy of the bible. Unfortunately this only succeeded in breaking my nose, which I had to have reset by the Best Man. To do this he punched me very violently in the face with his fist. I was then ordered to go to work as punishment for disputing the service.”
“I stubbed my toe on a Rottweiler, who proceeded to savage my right leg. To desist the beast from this activity I asked him, or her, very politely to stop said activity. When the beast did not desist from said activity I decided to take drastic action. Summoning myself, I seized myself by the throat and began to throttle myself until myself passed out. The plan here was to make the dog believe I was dead, thereby removing the dog’s interest in my alleged corpse. This plan backfired as the dog, who I later learned is called Fido, proceeded to eat my hair. This explains why I no longer have any hair.”
“Whilst purchasing sandwiches for my lunch I accidentally managed to steal several items from the store. I was pursued down the high street at speed by several security guards as they shouted such foul untruths such as, “Stop thief!”, “Thief”, and, “That bastard stole a bag of bonbons!”. The fire brigade were called out to arrest me, and as I refused to stop running they eventually ran me over so they could question my actions. After twenty minutes of sobbing and pleading I was released with a caution. Consequently I have no food for lunch, apart from this chewing gum stuck to the sole of my shoe.”
“Whilst cooking my full English breakfast I accidentally set fire to my dressing gown. I had worn this dressing gown every morning since 1986 and had grown quite attached to it. Nevertheless, my sudden eruption into a ball of fire proved somewhat distressing. My survival instincts kicked in and I realised I needed to put the fire out. Knowing it had not snowed since last year, I figured the chances of rolling around on the wet snow in my garden would probably not be the best option. Regardless, I went to check to see if it had snowed or not. As it hadn’t I returned to my kitchen to think the situation over. By this stage the dressing gown had melted into my skin and the fire was reduced to a smouldering mass of smoke. As the issue was now solved I came into work. The reason I am late is due to my car not starting.”
“I was abducted by aliens.”