Orange Juice: With Bits

The most stylish glass of OJ ever?

Ahhhhh, Orange Juice. It stops you from getting scurvy and it tastes pretty good as well. HOWEVER! There is an internal war beyond even your wildest wildness currently raging within the orange juice industry. What is this war? It’s the For and Against War. On one side there are those who argue orange juice, in its purest form, should contain bits. The BLASPHEMERS claim it should be Orange Juice: No Bits. This heretical thinking is digusting and we, Professional Moron, aim to settle the matter right here and now in two posts. Today and tomorrow we argue the case for and against orange juice with and without bits. This will be an impartial debate and we will be as fair with Orange Juice: No Bits (evil scum) as we will be with Orange Juice: With Bits. We will fight the fight with facts, evidence, wild confabulations, illogical logic, hegemonic disdain, thunderous stupidity, and overall lunacy. However, we will state right here and right now that, should you ever be tempted to the No Bits side, you will spend the rest of eternity drowning in a huge vat of orange juice BITS! Read on to avoid this fate, Macduff!

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The case for Orange Juice: With Bits is simple. It’s an orange. Oranges have the pulpy central bit; this is where the bits come from. It’s not sulphuric acid, or donkey droppings. It’s orange juice with its bits. This is the natural order of things and how the Orange Gods wanted it to be. I mean, you don’t have cement without cement bits, do you? If that happened we wouldn’t have any buildings as they’d all have fallen over.

Death by orange juice!!!!

So, it is clear some people have an issue with the “bits” in Orange Juice: With Bits. This is simply called “being a fussy eater/drinker”. Diddums… are duh nasty bits making yew a bit squeamish?!??!! Awwwww! Grow up. The bits are good for you so get them consumed you malodorous idiot. For the truly authentic taste of OJ you go for The Bits version. Anything else is counterfeit. Wrong. Spurious. Not genuine. The work of the Hipsters trying not to get orange juice bits in their stupid hair! Well guess what Hipsters, Jack Kerouac didn’t mind getting orange juice in his hair! Nor did he mind sleeping out in the rough in a sleeping bag. Do you do that?!?! Of course not! So shut up and buy Orange Juice: With Bits. That’s an order, soldier!

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