Professional Moron’s Fireworks Display Special

A tree strains to get a look at the spectacle.

Well… we can’t afford to do a personalised fireworks display, but we can come up with some typically weird ideas for someone rich to decide to or to not make. And why not? Why not take some of our amazing designs and make an incredible firework display!? “As they’re quite psychotically dangerous!” you could assert. Well, that’s up you to think. You’re wrong, of course. Professional Moron always has public safety at its heart.

Fireworks themselves were invented by Guy Fawkes in 1605. The idea here was for his seditiousness to, along with his co-vagabonds, to blow King James of England and Scotland to smithereens. See, politics was much more exciting in olden days. Sadly for Mr. Fawkes his plan was unearthed and, well, the rest is history. He, however, has lived on in public interest four hundred years on, and Brits to this day still burn effigies of him on their bonfires. Sweet little children thusly learn about bloodlust and dealing handling difficulty situations. Burn the bastards to the ground!  Boom! So to celebrate this great British tradition we take look at some of the fireworks we’d really, really, really like to see. Onward!

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George Clooney Firework – This one is for the ladies; the explosion of this one will expose Gorgeous Geroge’s beaming face with one of his more smug smiles. As the firework fades and the firework dust drifts apart in the wind his mouth opens and a caption competition for onlookers to join in with. Favourites include; “You’re gonna need a bigger boat…”, “I’ll have what she’s having!”, “I’m George Clooney and I like to eat spaghetti with my fingers! *giggle snort guffaw*”, “I really, really, really, really wanna zigga zig ahhhhh!”.

Tilda Swinton Firework – BOOM! And with that, we have a giant fiery efigy of Tilda Swinton from We Need To Talk About Kevin. The title of this film would appear, of course, along with honourable mentions of Swinton’s other film appearances.

The Fiery Firework – Upon exploding this monstrous bastard (which is crammed with all sorts of sparklers, bangers, and petrol) will rain down a vast cacophony of fire onto the delighted onlookers. Wonder, of course, will quickly change to panic, so have a few fire extinguishers handy.

Sonic BOOM!!!!

The Firework of Panic – When this one goes off the gathered crowd will be running in sheer terror! Make sure you cram as many high explosives into it as possible, so when it shoots up into the air and sets off a colossal energy surge will knock everyone off their feet! At this point a second explosion will rain down popcorn onto everyone, but popcorn with a twist! It will be marmite popcorn! Consequently anyone who despises marmite will have to flee in sheer panic! Hahahah! Excellent.

Guy Fawkes Firework – BOOM! This firework would be the penultimate one to cap an excellent evening, and what better than to remember a seditious maniac!? Upon exploding this work of fire would explode to unveil the glorious image of Fawkes being a bit mischievous by actually igniting his stockpiled stash of explosives. Subsequently timed explosions will display what it would of looked like had the House of P gone up big time back in 1605. Neat, eh? Never fear, of course, as Mr. Fawkes was done and caught. Indeed.

The Queen Firework – The GRAND finale! This will drop your jaw faster than a “Buy One Get One Free!” sale on bleach! The Queen’s bored expression beaming down on us all. A fanfare at this point will play the thoroughly insipid British national anthem, whilst a speaker phone system (voiced by Arnold Schwarzenegger) will sing the words in the style of Pavarotti. Not a moment to miss, we guarantee it.

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