Exclusive Recipe: Marmite Cake

Marmite Cake
Look at that lovely marmite.

We go on about Marmite a fair bit here at Professional Moron. And why should we? We don’t even eat the stuff! Don’t get us wrong – we bloody well love Marmite. It’s ace!

However, have you ever checked the salt content? Through the roof, it is, dear sir/madam! Which is a shame and limits the amount you should eat of the stuff, daily, to a small amount.

Indeed. Anymore and you WILL suffer a salt overdose. Signs and symptoms of this are; frothing at the mouth, delirium, satanic chanting, berserk obscenities, and dancing like a giraffe.

It’s the Marmite Cake

So, why not go a step above such hideousness? The Marmite cake does just this! For a full recipe on this most dangerous cake in the world read on, but only if you know no fear!


There are plenty of ingredients in this cake. They are as follows; Marmite , flour, salt, sugar, aspic, cheese, paprika, turmeric, cumin seeds, potatoes, haddock, icing, chocolate, cornflakes, beef, and gin.


Make the cake. Don’t know how to make a cake? Well then look online! We’re not here to scrawl out the full account for you.

You may assert we don’t know the know how to make a cake but, we put it to you, why would even dare suggest a Marmite Cake if we hadn’t ever made it? For shame!

Eating The Cake & Side-Effects

There are plenty of ways to enjoy Marmite cake. With a spoon, a fork, a spork, chopsticks, or with a butcher’s knife. Indeed.

The really great thing about Marmite cake is the taste; one bite is enough to make you lose control of your bodily functions for 48 solid hours! In this respect it’s a tremendous dessert for anyone on a diet.

Take this and that, Mr. Atkins Diet. However, do take note of the side-effects of consuming this cake. They are as follows, although don’t blame us if something else occurs:

  1. The belief the phrase “Oh well, at least pancakes are available!” is the only sentence worth saying to anyone you meet.
  2. Eating the rest of the Marmite cake in unusual places, such as in the shower, on a roller coaster, on the toilet, whilst exercising, or when asleep.
  3. Stuffing bits of the Marmite cake up your nostrils and into your ears,
  4. Shaking violently through salt overload,
  5. Demanding to speak to President Truman and Bolshevik leader Lenin about the inhospitable nature of your underpants,
  6. Chanting songs about your underpants,
  7. And/or insisting on a trip to a zoo, whereupon you will attempt to befriend an elephant.


  1. I’m not sure. I don’t eat fish, and gin is …. well, ginny. Other than that, well, I don’t like tumeric, and what the *&^% is cumin? Other than those, well, I’m not sure.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is a golden oldie post! I did this one five years ago. By ‘eck!

      Cumin is a spice, I believe, which was invented by the Spice Girls. Handy to know. Turmeric is extremely good for you, so get it eat!


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