At Professional Moron, we’ve decided to coin a term. And it is thus—the food splat.

Instantly fascinated as you are, this feature takes you through the concept and what it means for you, foodies, and for wider society as a whole.

All About the Food Splat

“What?!” You sneer. Well, a “Food Splat” is the term we’ve given to an item of food (or a food product) that’s not been presented in an aesthetically pleasing manner. Think of the likes of doner kebab and chips.

A drunk guy getting that, stuffing it into his face, and yet he manages to drop it on the floor and turn a stodgy, greasy mess into a food splat.

Your average student eats two dozen of these a week, but here at Professional Moron we have decided to coin the phrase “Food Splat” to see if we can start some sort of insane revolution.

Not a violent one as we’re pacifists, so no Russian Tsar lunacy, or French Revolution styled beheadings. No sir!

We like things to be peaceful, unless of course giant genetically modified doner kebabs rear up and begin to slaughter us all.

As humanists we’re totally against this kind of activity and would thusly blow the Kebab Monsters to smithereens, although these newly formed sentient beings could deem this as either “belligerence” or “xenophobia”.

And there’s nothing more likely to stir up riots than if you get a Pot Noodle sandwich (already a food splat) and then drop it on the floor.

That’s called the Next Level Food Splat. And it is horrific.

For the record Professional Moron would like to state, very clearly, we hold no prejudice towards the vast invading doner kebab army.

However, we will defend our planet vigorously should war be declared. In which instance, a food splat may come in rather handy.