The Mayan Apocalypse: What Next?

Kaboom!

In the subconscious recesses of many Doomsday loving brains there will be a very real tinge of dismay over the Mayans being a bit not right with this End of the World lark. In fact, this latest apocalyptic event was blown out of all proportion as it was based on nothing at all, really. Some ancient Mayan calendar and a lot of very scared, very stupid people. Naturally Professional Moron had prepared for this event anyway; Mr. Wapojif and co. removed the tiles from their ceiling and climbed in there with tins of tuna, pot noodles, tin foil (to reflect, insulate, and reverberate the potential radiation) and a cabbage. Not much really happened; we got bored, office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster kept complaining that we’d left her wheel, and Mr. Wapojif inadvertently fell through one of the ceiling tiles, shattering a leg in his fall to the office floor. Ho hum.

As doom mongerers ourselves we’d like to postulate a whole host of potential End of the World type scenarios on today’s post! As it’s Christmas, however, we thought we’d make them a bit more light-hearted than the usual “nuclear chaos”, “famine”, “disease” etc. And why? As who is to say an apocalypse has to be an unpleasant event?!?! We’d like to debate the nature of a violent and unpleasant end to humanity with one with lots of lollipops, ice cream, jam, and really good sandwiches; it could be a jolly experience! So, hearty reader, read on for the joys of not being annihilated in the Mayan’s thoroughly ambiguous guess work.

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Porridge Annihilation

Snail Porridge, don't you know?
Snail Porridge, don’t you know?

Porridge will rain down on the Earth with blueberries and honey, smothering everything in horrifyingly lovely porridgeness. Expected date of Doomsday; 23rd of March 2007 (yes, this one has already gone by). Dang.

English Pleasantries Kill All!

Dear readers; it says "I say, Cap!" if you were wondering.
Dear readers; it says “I say, Cap!” if you were wondering.

There’s no reason to be rude what with the end of everything, especially if massive phrases of polite Englishness start to rain down on us all (yes, we’ve decided that all apocalyptic events are about stuff raining down on us all).  Massive blocks of phrases such as “I say!”, “Rather!”, “Good day, sir/madam!”, and possibly, “Well… I… never!”. Date of Terror: 23rd of March 2013.

Raining Slaughter of Puppies and Kittens

Raining cats.
Raining cats.

Obviously if you have a phobia of either of these animals then this will be a tough time for you. Tough. Most people will be pleased to see these things tearing down from up above. We know we will! Date of horror: 23rd of March 2013.

Cabbages of Death

A cabbage monster.
A cabbage monster.

Okay, so cabbages aren’t super amazing brilliant but, you know, not every apocalypse can be as wondrous as we wish. You snow? The giant Super Cabbages will rain down on us all! Thankfully our sources have let us know that they will be cooked and drizzled with butter, pepper, and gravy. Sounds much better now, eh? Date of Devastation: 23rd of March 2013 (you may have noticed this is the third Doomsday date on the exact same day in 2013. What can we say? Well, it’s just going to be a really bad day).

Invasion of the Jelly Babies

OMG! We're all gonna die!!!
OMG! We’re all gonna die!!!

Okay, so this one’s a bit different in the disaster stakes. Jelly (we have been told by our sources) does not, and cannot, fall from the sky. Why? As it’s jelly and can’t get high enough. You know? So it’ll kill us all (in a nice way) by generally shifting around all globule like and then we all live, forever more, in a world of la-de-da jelly. Bliss! Date of Invasion: 24th of March 2013.

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