We love the saying, “getting off on the wrong foot”! It’s one of those many, many phrases which has fallen into such common use you don’t really think about its meaning. Within its context it makes sense and your brain barely bothers to recognise the words within the phrase. Here at Professional Moron we like to examine phrases, though, and the Wrong Foot phrase is almost akin to the legendary tale of Dr. P in Oliver Sack’s wonderful The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat. In this tale Dr. P has visual agnosia and, despite being a gifted muscian and general intellectual sort, believes his shoe is his foot. Later he believes his wife’s head is his hat. Interesting? Indeed. Anyway, we’re going to save thyme here and just state that “getting off on the wrong foot” could, but probably didn’t, come from Dr. Sack’s essays. It’s just one of those weird phrases we don’t think about when we use it.

In this era of fake politeness and attempts at political correctness, getting off on the right foot with someone is super important. Here at Professional Moron we don’t like capitalism, and believe what the world most certainly does not need is (and are) more business success stories. However, in the commercial world getting things right with the folk you meet is important. False platitudes and spurious sentiments etc. So here is how to mess it up BIG time! Whoo!

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Be Incredibly Patronising

Condescend absolutely everything anyone says to you, but do so in a ridiculously exaggerated, and unwarranted, way. If someone remarks it’s “nice to meet to you!”, proffer them a withering look and a contemptible sneer. Then loudly pronounce, “I can’t say the same for you, you disgusting piece of idiotic trash.” Go about offending everyone in this way and you’ll soon be winning “Git” awards.

Be Profane

Wildly inappropriate swearing is a definite no no in most social situations. We mean really, really excessive usage of expletives – to the stage where it’s quite absurdly clear you’re trying a bit too hard to be cool and/or offensive. T’will win you the badge of “Git” faster than you could ever want to win a nice shiny badge.

Be Monosyllabic

This works really well if a garrulous individual approaches you, especially if they don’t shut up much. Amidst their rambling should be your well placed, nearly redundant one word responses; “yes”, “no”, “quite”, “indeed”, etc. After ten minutes of this any “conversation” would be almost certainly dead.

Promote Your Misanthropy

Using glib statements you can really hit home what a git you are. “Did you know I hate everyone on Earth?” you could start out with. The other person may think you’re being silly and laugh; hold your stern expression and announce loudly, “I am a misanthrope. A nihilist. Humans are but mere wastrels who deserve nothing but my contempt!” Guaranteed to utterly alienate yourself from anyone within hearing distance. Unless, of course, there is (or are) a few actual misanthropes nearby who take a liking to you. Loudly announce, “Hipster!” to them should they voice any appreciation.

Tell The Other Person They Stink

One of the major nitty gritty worries in contemporary life is whether one stinks or not. It would be deemed as a dire failure by any human being should you think you smell a bit off. So, when you greet someone either visually retch in disgust after shaking hands, or waft your arms about going “Poo! Pooee! Ewwwwww!”