Yesterday (Thursday the 10^th of January 2013) it emerged (like a juggernaut from dense fog) a poor (as in unfortunate, although we should imagine he was also fiscally challenged) English student discovered in his KFC meal what he initially thought was a chicken’s brain. 19 year old Ibrahim Langoo stated, “I have a habit of picking the chicken off the bone with my fingers and as I pulled the second piece apart, I saw this horrible wrinkled foreign body.” He paused, tearfully, before adding, “I threw it down onto my tray immediately. It looked like a brain. I suddenly felt grim and really sick.” Here he brushed away tears from his face, before continuing with his tale of suffering and woe, “I couldn’t bring myself to pick the lump up so I went to the serving counter to complain. It was about 1pm and pretty hectic in the restaurant and as it was so busy none of the staff helped me.” As the story circulated through the world’s media the fast food giant figured it would be a good idea to apologise to the desperate, tragic individual, stating they thought it looked more like a kidney than a brain (you can see the picture HERE, if you dare). Langoo has stated he will never eat at KFC again; McDonald’s is just so much better anyway, right?

This story got Professional Moron thinking about fast food in general, as if people who eat there think what they’re stuffing into their stupid faces is actually, in some way, good for them and not as “gross” as chicken brains. Perhaps, kids, have a think about all the high salt, sugar, and processed meat naffness you’re stuffing into your body, eh? It doesn’t all come from a magical Blue Peter playground of loveliness. We also felt all of this gave chickens a bad name, so we included a picture of how adorable the little clucking gits are. We then had a think about what weird things would  upset us if we found it in our fast food. Have a gander!

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Justin Bieber’s Eyebrows

Imagine biting into a Subway Sandwich (don’t start, alright, it is fast food so don’t try and convince yourself you’re being all healthy by going for the extra cheese, mayonnaise, processed meat extraordinaire) and finding Justin Bieber’s eyebrows staring back at you from behind a slice of tomato! Don’t try and “Baby” us after a shock like that, Bieber.

A Donkey

“EEEOOOORRRRR!” would go the donkey as you try to bite into a Big Mac; “Bloody hell!”, you would retort, “there’s a donkey in my McDonald’s!”. Following this extravaganza you could expect a court case of around a decade with McDonald’s (the longest court case in UK history is the McLibel case, which ran for 10 years. Mr. Wapojif mentioned it in his MA dissertation, don’t you know?)  as the fast food GIANT really aren’t ones for going down quietly. Indeed, they’re not Captain Smith going down solemnly with the Titanic, they’re kamikaze maniacs determined to take everyone down with them. I’m lovin’ it!

Mount Everest

Don’t you just hate ordering your French Fries in Burger King and finding they’ve accidentally dropped Mount Everest into your chips box holder thing? Bam, just like that you’re all flattened. Nightmare!

Christian Bale

Imagine your terror upon slurping into a milkshake and finding Christian Bale inside. Not only is the Hollywood star in full Batman dress, but he’s also extremely angry after being cooped up inside a milkshake carton and he wants to have at you with his mighty man muscles. What ho, jeeves, this can only end badly!

A Road Sign

You go into Starbucks and get yourself a sandwich and, ‘ey up, there’s a bloody road sign in there! Outraged you will have to explain to the staff why you left the store and came back five hours later only having discovered the thing when you got to work. “Honest, guv, I didn’t put it in there myself! How dare you accuse me of lying! I’m taking this to The Sun!” Sensationalism is key, and the best way to provide this is through the mindless idiocy of The Sun.