“Would you like horse meat in your beef burger, sir?”

A “beefburger”. Healthy.

Barely a week after this CHICKEN BRAIN IN KFC travesty we’re, here on Professional Moron, throwing together another blog post about the lunacy of British food. Yes, as it turns out the all dominating Tesco brand done and went and found traces of horse meat in the discount range of beef burgers! Cue outraged vitriol from stupid, outraged people.

A lot of folk argue they can’t afford “healthy” food, and that unhealthy food is cheaper. This is, of course, complete and utter nonsense. Head down a fresh veg aisle in any supermarket and you’ll see happy, smiley carrots, potatoes, spinach, and onions grinning at you like stoned hippies. And, guess what? You can buy a big bag of organic potatoes for £2 which will feed a family for a week! In fact, you can amass a large quantity of fresh vegetables for less than £20 for a week. Or, you know, just buy those expensive ready meals instead, eh, with litre bottles of coca cola. The people Mr. Wapojif spoke to online in regard to this were vacuous to the extreme; “can’t afford this!”, “but a stir fry a night gets boring!”, “my veins are so clogged with fat I can’t lift my arms to eat ice cream any more!”, “we apologise for the severe delays to the Media CityUK tram service”, “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”, “You’re gonna need a bigger boat…”, “I’ll have what she’s having!”, “’Tis  gone! We do it wrong, being so majestical, to offer it the show of violence…” etc. etc.  The real problem is people have utterly dreadful diets born out of ignorance and stupidity. Most of the thyme no one even knows/cares what they’re eating… until something like this happens, and then all of a sudden everyone’s an expert! So we took a look  to see if there were trace elements of any other weird stuff in British food. What we found made us soil ourselves, so hold onto your butts!

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Genghis Khan’s Genes

The Great Khan in action.
The Great Khan in action.

Yes, the invading conqueror of the world of 1,000 years ago has 0.01% of his genes in every burger you eat! Put into context this means, were you to eat 350 million beef burgers, you would effectively be Genghis Khan’s wife. Now that’s something to think about!

Mud

Mud!
Mud!

Mud gets about a fair bit so it’s a reasonably logical assumption to think there would be mud inside your beef burger. Cows like eating grass, too, so a bit of mud must go in there at the same thyme. Heck, we’re making a lot of sense today!

Mosquitoes

Evil little bastards.
Evil little bastards.

These highly irritating little gits don’t half get about. They’re in such abundance humans can’t even dream about eradicating them off the face of the Earth. Indeed, even if we had a 100 year nuclear war we doubt mosquitoes would become extinct. They’d probably even mutate into gargantuan 300ft Super Mosquitoes. Glovely! Anyway, are they tasty? No, but you’ve probably eaten one or two at some point.

Captain Beefheart’s Trout Mask Replica

Captain B at work.
Captain B at work.

If all burgers were contaminated with bits of this album the world would probably be a much better place.

Beef

Prime beef contaminated with prime beef.
Prime beef contaminated with prime beef.

Imagine the headlines; “Beef Burgers Contaminated With Beef!” That would get jaws wagging. And why? As we all know your average burger contains pretty much no beef anyway. Git wid da thymes, blud!

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