How To Have Fun With Snow

Snow can be beautiful, but don’t let those looks fool you. Frostbite causes more annual deaths in the UK than even scurvy and gout combined.

It’s finally started snowing here in England, you snow, so we thought we’d dedicate today’s post to the brilliance of snow and the happy memories it ushers up inside of our sick and sordid souls! Not that Napoleon would be eager to promote the brilliance of freezing temperatures, but the Inuits can get away with it so why the hell can’t us soft Europeans, eh? I blame our disastrous diets of chicken brains and horse burgers.

There is, and are, plenty of things you can do with snow other than making an igloo or a Snowman. Yes, indeed, you can make all sorts of stuff with a little bit of abandonment of acceptable social norms and the injection of lunacy. Just what can you get up to, comrade? Well, read on to find out!

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Kill The Snow!

A snow murderer in action.
A snow murderer in action.

Not everyone is as fond of snow as the Inuits. Some have turned their irrational hatred into a sadistic extreme sport where they acquire a large vehicle and ram it violently into mounds of helpless snow. It’s been a popular sport since 2010, even though Amnesty International are fighting hard to shut down the organizing body who go by the name of, “Death To The Sky Dandruff”.

Military Weapons

Snow Tanks in action.
Snow Tanks in action.

Snow Tanks (tanks made entirely of snow) were first thought of during Genghis Khan’s Mongolian conquering times; “They would be a brilliant way to blast the crap out of scumbag bad guys!”, he must have thought. A thousand years later things were taken to their logical, practical conclusion when the first batch of Snow Tanks were completed!  The British military devised their latest tanks purely from snow in a ground breaking environmental scheme in 2010, but the outcome proved to be tragic. On successful completion the Snow Tanks were commissioned for their first tour of Iraq, where all trace of them disappeared during a reconnaissance mission into the desert. The case remains unsolved.

Snow Socks

A normal, boring sock.
A normal, boring sock.

Tired of your boring old normal socks? Sounds like you need to make some mega exciting Snow Socks! To do this it’s best just to tip a load of snow into your shoes as getting the snow to stay on your feet is an utter pain. Once you do this jam your feet in quickly. Keep adding new snow whenever it melts – eventually your feet will freeze solid and you’ll have awesome Snow Feet! How amazing is that!? We’re going to try this right away! WARNING: This could result in severe frostbite and loss of feet: DO NOT ATTEMPT!

Snow Bungee Jumping

Like this but without the rope... and with super safe snow at the bottom.
Like this but without the rope… and with super safe snow at the bottom.

This is like ordinary bungee jumping but without the elastic cord for safety. Putting it more simply; you jump from an immense height into the super safety of nice soft snow below you! “Er… are you sure that’s safe?” Why of course! There’s a concrete car park beneath the snow to scrub any leftover speed off.

Snow Reading

This one says, "I like jam!"
This one says, “I like jam!”

Every snowflake has a tale to tell; there’s no better way to connect with nature than to lie (stark naked) in freshly fallen snow and to read individual flakes. It has been noted that, after around an hour of this, people have been observed talking to the snow. The experience proves to be so marvellous most individuals pass out and are rushed to hospital with hypothermia! This is the power of being at one with nature!

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