How To Be a Lunatic: Part 2

Crazy horses
Crazy horses.

On this day in 41 AD Emperor Caligula was assassinated. Bummer for him, right? A blessing to the poor saps who had to endure as his underlings.

Mind you, the big C’s apparently despotic antics are only based on the few surviving sources which are left. A few contemporary sources would seem to confirm some manic episodes, but the actually out-and-out lunacy is seemingly a bit of a myth. So, historians debate away.

The rest of the world, however, likes to think of Caligula as a total nutcase who appointed a horse as a senator. Whether he was actually one of history’s great maniacs or not is irrelevant – he is in popular culture and this will suffice for the modern world as a symbol of lunacy!

Due to this notion it seemed like a good chance to “do” the belated second part to our How To Be a Lunatic series which was initiated in September 2012. Indeed. Read on, then, to find out just what lunacy you can get up to, sir/madam! MWAAHAhahahahaaaaaa!

Hug Every Lamppost You See

Hug it!
Hug it!

Fairly straight forward. Whenever you’re going about you walking activities around a rural/urban/outer space area and eye spy a lamppost you must head over to it and hug it vociferously (by this we mean start wailing, “I love you too, lamppost!” over and over) until concerned onlookers interject.

Insist Aliens Are Visiting For Tea

"We dislike this cabbage soup, human!"
“We dislike this cabbage soup, human!”

Whatever your household situation (this includes if you live alone – just tell lots of people at work, or random folk in the street) make sure plenty of people know you have aliens visiting for dinner.

An example of such dialogue is as follows; “Darling, we have Martians from the planet Rabbit Droppings staying for tea.

It’s okay, there should only be a couple of million of them, although most are lactose intolerant. Apparently if you give them any dairy they will explode with the power of seven hundred and fifty-three million nuclear warheads! Cool eh?”

Replicate Lack of Hair with Marmite

Smear liberally over your skull.
Smear liberally over your skull.

Ladies, are you fed up of not being able to grow a bead? Gentleman, sick and tired of hair loss or a lack of stubble growth? Simply smear marmite (it’s a handy hairlike colour) over the appropriate area to look like the most handsome individual in town!

Insist You Are Mads Mikelson

The real Mads.
The real Mads.

Straight forward this one. If someone approaches you (and use this example as a likely scenario) this is how you should behave, “Hello, Mr. Wapojif, how are you today?” – “Hello, Arnold Schwarzenegger, I am not Mr. Wapojif I am Mads Mikelson. How DARE you insinuate otherwise! And how am I? Just this morning I discovered I have rabies, gout, scurvy, and a conjunctive eye!”

Proceed to display your itchy red eye by repeatedly jabbing a finger into your face.

Casually Hint At Your Fondness for Doomsday Devices

A mad scientist.
A mad scientist.

Frequently dropping in mentions of your doomsday device collection into polite conversation is a must for the aspiring (and *giggle snort guffaw* perspiring) Lunatic.

A standard way to do this would go as follows; “Hello, Mr. Wapojif, how are you?” – “I have several highly destructive nuclear warheads in my underpants.” Or, perhaps, “Hey, Mr. Wapojif, do you fancy watching the match at mine this weekend?” – “An interesting offer, Bruce Wayne, but I am required to detonate at least one of my doomsday devices.”

Finally there’s always the, “Will you be my best man at my wedding, Mr. Wapojif?” – “On one condition only, Ronald McDonald, and that is your permission to detonate my doomsday collection on the same day.”

Dispense with some gibberish!

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