It is a mystery as old as the Earth itself (roughly about 4.54 billion years – not 6,000 years! Git wid da thymes, Creationists!); what makes brie (the cheese)? Professional Moron, ever the ones to go on an investigative journalism hunt, decided it was thyme to get to the heart of the batter. It involved several trips around the world, relentless persistence of busy politicians, and we filmed a total of 13,000 hours of footage, and interviewed 15,000 people within the cheese industry (mainly cheese customers). All in all, on our vast search, we contributed a huge amount to global warming in the hunt for something utterly irrelevant. Regardless, we’re narcissistic enough to understand the sheer importance of our story… this is a mission the FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER HERSELF has charged us with. Thusly it is our duty, and pleasure, to deliver unto you the results (which you may have already guessed) of our ceaseless search. Onward, comrade, for the information!

Hercules Beetles! Yes! They are the fiendish geniuses who make brie! “Er, how exactly did you ascertain this as the truth, Professional Moron?” Well, dear cynical idiots, the truth it out there, as the X-Files used to say. And we found it. Our very own Mr. Wapojif axed his way into a cheese property and discovered an army of Hercules Beetles making brie out of milk and other cheese, with the general brie smell acquired off of the feet of Olympic athletes. Disgusting? Not as gross as the other revelations Mr. Wapojif unearthed.

Indeed. To make the brie the beetles use white blue tack and the aforementioned foot stink. The strange brie crust it made from boiling (and then freezing) milk, which is then left out in the midday sun for 17 consecutive midday days. This “skin” is then wrapped around the blue tack/foot smell brie mix to make the final product. ‘Tis a glory to behold, non? Yes, we do love brie, but the high fat content (due to the highly calorific foot smell)  tends to make us steer clear. Still, buy it to keep the many millions of Hercules Beetles in employment. Hear hear!