How to be a Lunatic: Part One

A lunatic wearing a hat
A lunatic.

If you find you’re bored of your day-to-day existence and would like some sort of zest inserted into your daily routine, today’s blog post (the first in an indefinite series) has a lighter look at lunacy.

How to be a Lunatic: Part One

“What’s so good about lunacy?” you might chirrup. Well, chirrup away, but the only way to get the excitement you crave into your lifestyle is to start behaving in a thoroughly bizarre, potentially psychotically dangerous way.

Of course, it’s a fine balancing act between actually ending up in prison, or an insane asylum, and actually just having a laugh, so Professional Moron states right here and now that we are absconded of blame and any weird behaviour in public is your fault. Not ours. Indeed.

Today’s lesson (that’s lesson one) teaches you all how to behave in public. Indeed. Read on good sir/madame!

Public Transport

Wildly excessive grinning and cackling will always get some odd looks. Especially from the bus driver as you board the thing doing this.

This activity can also be accompanied by shockingly violent coughing fits. Anyone who has seen Breaking Bad—like Walt in the first season. That type of bad.

Eating relentless amounts of burgers. Again, do this at a bus stop followed by on the bus. You’ll need to have purchased a load of them before you get to the stop so plan ahead.

Those Rustler burgers can be microwaved and “edible” in 70 seconds, and they’re only £1 or something. Buy twenty of those and then sit there chewing away gleefully.

Chewing gum. A lot of gum. Much like the burger thing you’re going to need a huge amount of the stuff.

Just sit there on the bus/tram/train/underground jamming a perpetual stream of minty loveliness into your mouth. Once you start dribbling through excessive gum then you know you’re onto a winner. Keep on opening those packets!

Shopping Centres

Go around the centre informing everybody you have scurvy and it’s contagious. Be very insistent about this and show everyone the boils you’ve scribbled onto your wrists and palms with red biro.

Then pretend your teeth are falling out by using those sweets that are like dentures. Keep this up for as many hours as possible.

Head to the nearest book store, go to the counter and ask the till girl/boy/giraffe to do a book search for a couple of books you need. Proceed to list some truly crazed titles, such as:

  • Jeffrey the Scurvy Loving Donkey” by Adrian Heath
  • The Shed That Could Move And Did Move So It Went To Skegness by Tony Blair
  • Why I Love Picking My Nose” by Margaret Thatcher
  • How To Grow Your Nose Hair” by John Major

Whilst they search the computer system in utter futility, stand there picking your nose.

Find the nearest security guard and demand he show you his underwear for security reasons.

If he refuses to do so call him a “Fuddy duddy” and then run around in circles until you either fall over, pass out, or throw up. If you can achieve all three then you’re onto a winner!

The Cinema

Find yourself a seat and immediately pour several jars of TCP, a can of lager, and a jar of chicken korma curry over yourself. Sit there and enjoy your film. You have succeeded if someone complains.

During the film, at three-minute intervals, scream loudly, “Iceberg right ahead!” in reference to James Cameron’s Titanic. When people tell you to be quiet threaten to beat them up with a tennis ball.

Scream in utter terror at random intervals through the film. If anyone complains it’s due to the film being so utterly horrifying.

This would work particularly well if you chose to watch some family-friendly flick, thereby annoying an entire ensemble of family members in one swoop. I say, sir!


    • Quite, Madame. The utmost virtue in this world can only be withdrawn from the paradoxical nature of the aforementioned reliance on predilections for certain elements of such things as what has been already postulated in the dextrous and undulating perpetuity of our brains.


    • Indeed. I believe it’s being scheduled in Barbados, and the Dress Code is “overcoats, scarves, gloves, at least four jumpers, slippers, and a bobble hat”. And, of course, Kendle Mint Cake.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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