English Cuisine Explained For Non-English Folk

Looks a bit like a leg of lamb.

We figured, as English folk, it’s about time to explain (as food is one of our favourite topics here on Professional Moron) some of the popular recipes what do go and float about here in the very fabulous (sort of) England. You know the old concept; couples who fall in love, or pet owners, who start to resemble one another? Well here in England we are so enamoured with our national dishes we have begun to resemble them! And, let us tell you, this makes for one of the most terrifying things you can ever see in your life!

So get deep down and funky and go all English on yourself for the brief spell in which you read (or just gawk at the pictures) the myriad of gourmet excellencenesses the English folk stuff into their stupid faces. Quintessentially English? You bethca! A lot of what we east is glorified comfort food. Onward, comrade, to discover the truth!

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Fish & Chips

NB: The salad will not be consumed (English people don't like salad).
NB: The salad will not be consumed (English people don’t like salad).

Indeed, you do need the ampersand slap bang in the middle. Or else! Fish & Chips is the staple diet for your average British person. Indeed, just last week our very own Mr. Wapojif had thirteen Fish & Chips meals in a single day! He was, ultimately, admitted to hospital with scurvy, gout, and hypertension, but at least he had some hearty food to warm the shackles of his soul! Now, if you’re wondering what the English do with this food; it’s chips with a battered and deep fried fish (usually cod). This is then covered liberally with salt and vinegar, but there are also asides of mushy peas, gravy, ketchup, and (for the exotic) curry sauce. As you can tell, it’s not a healthy meal.

Yorkshire Pudding

I see the glory!
I see the glory!

Very popular with Roast Dinners, Yorkshire Puddings are a pastry type thing what goes and gets stuck into the oven for about 1 minute. They go all crusty and taste nice with gravy. Pretty basic? Well wait until you see what’s up next!!!

Toad in the Hole

The batter is made out of toads.
The batter is made out of toads.

Much like Yorkshire Puddings (as it is still a Yorkshire Pudding) but the culinary genius of someone came up with the notion of placing sausages into the batter before cooking up the things. Comfort food? Ho ho ho, you bethca! As for the name… we’re not sure. We can only guess the following; during the Middle Ages people couldn’t afford sausages so they used toads instead. Sorted.

Full English Breakfast

That'll put hair on your eyebrows.
That’ll put hair on your eyebrows.

Still a very popular addition to most English folk’s lives, the breakfast consists of a mish mash of fried stuff and toasted bits. Mr. Wapojif used to work in Wetherspoons in Manchester city centre and there the chain pub’s breakfast consisted of: two sausages, baked beans, a fried mushroom, four slices of toast, two fried eggs, two hash browns, four rashers of bacon, and a fried tomato. Naturally most people wanted the tomato removed from the dish, the standard excuse being “I’m allergic to tomatoes.” Of course they had nooooo problem consuming the baked beans, which are in a tomato sauce…

Shepherd’s Pie

A Shepherd without his pie.
A Shepherd without his pie.

A pie made of shepherds. Actually, it consists of a meat (Mr. Wapojif uses turkey mince) with all sorts of vegetables and a mashed potato topping. Hearty, good fun to make, and reasonably healthy. We like Shepherd’s Pie! However, Mr. Wapojif’s friends have been observed picking out individual bits of veg they dislike and leaving them to one side of the plate. Mature.

Beans on Toast

You can have two slices of toast if you're a bit eccentric.
You can have two slices of toast if you’re a bit eccentric.

The student’s staple diet, and still a popular dish amongst many. It’s easy, and reasonably healthy (so long as you go for wholemeal bread and low salt and sugar baked beans). All you do is open a tin and cook the beans on a hob and then toast some bread. Michelin stars ‘R’ Us.

Fussy Eaters?!?!?! NEVER!!!!!!

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!?!?!?
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!?!?!?

We are, without doubt, a nation of fussy eaters. It’s as if we’re reared with some horrifying psychological trauma relating to something or other in our youth (Mr. Wapojif remembers being beaten with a celery stick as a child). Due to this lots of people have a “weird” relationship with food (as described by health minister Anna Soubry – she is absolutely spot on). Now lots of people reacted angrily to this saying they don’t have the time to get food for their lunch break. Nonsense, of course. The sad fact is English people struggle horrendously with the concept of eating beyond the norms of their experience. Due to this, whenever a dietary change is suggested by our government, there is always a furious reaction from the public when they’re confronted with the prospect of correcting their eating habits. The stupidity here is when these folk go off on vacation (and, therefore, actually have time off) they still eat nothing but the comfort food they identify as “normal”. Anything beyond their experience is putrid acid formulated by the filthy hands of scumbag Communists! As a consequence English people abroad are the most embarrassing and ridiculous of all tourists. But, after all, why have a paella when you could be eating baked beans straight from the tin?

The moral of the story? Variety in food = marvellous life experiences. Eat your greens, kids!

6 comments

  1. Funny! Just got back to the states yesterday after a week in London, where I enjoyed several posh meals at The Wolseley. Couldn’t bring myself to eat the full English breakfast so early in the morning, though. 😉

    Like

    • Takes a brave soul to eat a Full English Breakfast first thing. A brave soul indeed. I think us English sorts cook other people’s food very well, we just don’t have anything fancy of our own. We hope you enjoyed London! Probably snowed a lot but, heck, it adds to the drama.

      Like

  2. ha ha ha >> “Removing the tomato from a full English” I know exactly what you mean. It contaminates the other elements on the plate. How about Marmite? We are also super particular about tea-making. A Spanish colleague revealed to the dismay and horror of his English counterparts that he put the milk in first and added the tea bag before pouring in the hot water —AAAAAAGH! came the reaction from the horde – Great post >> You make me miss the UK >> bacon sarnys hmmmmmmm

    Liked by 1 person

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