Explosions = great movies. We all know this; many a time have we watched Arnold Schwarzenegger detonate something or other in order to kill someone or other in order to achieve something or other. It’s a formulaic film procedure going along the lines of Equilibrium Shattered and Equilibrium Restored. To get from A to B (at least in Hollywood) all you need to do is set off a series of catastrophic explosions and all will be well. Frankly, we’re very happy with this state of affairs in Escapism World. Of course in reality this would translate into hellish wars and other horrible antics, but in film world every explosion has an equal and opposite implosion. Or something. Look at how clever we’re being! BOOOM!
So we’ve had a think about films which really could have done with a few explosions, and future films we think would be perfectly complemented by one of Michael Bay’s superfluous “action mode” big booms! Rest assured, this list is not thorough as it is merely the wild confabulations of Professional Moron’s very own Mr. Wapojif. Scary, eh?
Rabbits! Way, way too many rabbits! And a Hitler styled fascist dictatorship, and women rabbits who are only good for one thing *nudge nudge, wink wink*. Surely the rabbit world of Watership Down is one of the most debauched, depraved, deranged, and dastardly ever committed to film. And that Simon and Garfunkel song “Bright Eyes” doesn’t even come close to making it less horrifying. Anyway, had a few massive explosions gone off then all would have been a bit less stomach churning.
There weren’t nearly enough explosions in Stanley Kubrick’s horror classic. Classic horror it may well be, but its classic horror credentials would have been even more classic and horrory if a few massive explosions had gone off every now and then. Consider the legendary “Here’s Johnny!” scene; had Jack just blown the door up we would have been saved from endlessly unfunny (and just plain stupid) plays on this famous scene. Indeed.
The Horse Whisperer
Starring a very young Scarlett Johansson (who doesn’t seem to act anymore, she just stands around pouting whilst men lust after her aimlessly), a horse, and Robert Redford, The Horse Whisperer made women go gooey at the knees. Just what was he saying to those mad horses? Probably, “If you behave I’ll buy you a Big Mac.” At some point this bribery went wrong for the horses and now they ARE the Big Macs. Oh well. Anyway, the film could have been livened up with the addition of Arnold Schwarzenegger and several massive BOOOMS.
The Bridges of Madison County
In this Oscar winning romantic romp, Clint Eastwood (“PUNK!”), Meryl Streep (MAMMA MIA!) and some other bloke go on the hunt for stuff involving an affair their mother embroiled herself in, a bridge, and absolutely no explosions. In a remake we’d have Eastwood lugging about a shotgun, sneering about “foreign people”, and Streep would have to take him out by blowing him up with dynamite. Sorted!
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
There really weren’t enough detonations in this film, despite its all round excellence. Many scenes would have been even more dramatic with a colossal bang; the boat scene, for instance. It just wasn’t enjoyable enough as it was. BOOM! Oh, and the ending. Why did the Chief do that? Why not detonate his reserves of semtex (which was what was really in the gum). Indeed. Ken Kesey? Ken Semtex, more like (we apologise for this dreadful play on words).