Exclusive: Horse Meat Exposé

“Alright?”

Okay, so we’ve covered this topic already HERE the other week, but as it’s lingering in the English news like a festering sore we thought we’d cover it again. “What’s this all about!??!?!” you non-English folk may demand. Well, plain and simple, in certain brands of takeaway, cheap food it turns out the “beef” was actually “horse”. Neeeighh! Now English people, at the best of times, have a psychologically traumatic time with food; we even read a comment on MSN of a guy who struggled to eat raw carrot without vomiting. This is just what it’s like here; the more of a pedantic fussy eater you are, the more “normal” our society seems to deem you. Cabbage monsters!

Obviously the issue is a touch more complex than this; when you buy a beef product you expect beef. Not horse. Much like if you ordered cabbage soup you would be utterly outraged if spinach soup took its place. It’s just not on. Never mind one could actually put in some effort and buy cheap and healthy alternatives. No, go straight for the ready meals and then be outraged not by the sheer volume of chemicals, preservatives, and pesticides… but by the horse meat. Hurrah! So, today we take a look at horses and find out why they’re so disgusting.

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The Animal World’s Chavs

"You startin'? YOU STARTIN'!?!?!?"
“You startin’? YOU STARTIN’!?!?!?”

Okay, so humans are animals too, but in this context we’re applying the “animal kingdom” with humans separate. No, we’re not being sexist, it’s just us humans have worked our way to the upper echelons of social upheaval (or something) and those scumbag prole animals deserve nothing but contempt! So, yes, we’re Animal Racist. A new term, perhaps Ranimalism would suffice as a term. Regardless, it is well known horses hang around in fields drinking cheap cider and chucking stuff at normal people. Bastards.

Drug Addicts

Get a job!
Get a job!

They eat a lot of grass so, therefore, they must be a bunch of bloody hippy stoners. Just check out that mane! The sure sign of someone who has let themselves go and abandoned democracy. Where’s the patriotism, goddamit! This leads us to the next point…

Hippy Lifestyle Promotion

"Don't let them see the whites of your eyes!"
“Don’t let them see the whites of your eyes!”

Okay, so this picture is of a cow (also known for their psychedelic leaning) but horses are far worse. They often travel out into solitude somewhere to do their hippy stuff so there are few pictures to show the druggies at work. It’s all because of the bloody Communists – horses used to be good at transport until those bloody Reds introduced mind warping substances into society. Bastards!

Narcissism

“I’m so bloody beautiful!”

Horses are extremely arrogant creatures and it’s difficult being around them as a result. The whole tail whooshing thing, the head swaying, braying, “neigh”ing – it’s all on vanity project designed to make them look ace. We’re sick of it!

A History of Violence

"You startin'? YOU STARTIN'?!?"
“You startin’? YOU STARTIN’?!?”

As with most hippies, the outward peaceful nature actually hides bouts of chronic violence. Horses are well known paranoiacs, and the only way they can cope is by getting violent. In the above picture a horse confronts  a photographer, who likely didn’t survive this tragic ordeal. This is to be expected, though. As with all chavs violence is the only response horses have to problems which require an IQ above 20.

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