Yeah, so it’s Valentine’s Day, stupid! Have you got your partner anything? If not you must be prepared to be beaten to a bloody pulp of nothingness! Can you handle it? If not you could still save your hairy hide with some interference from the bods at Professional Moron (that’s us). Indeed, we’ve compiled a list today to allow any bumbling blokes, or forgetful females, to dash out to the local shop (or zoo) to get hold of the downright amazing items we’ve come up with. There’s no need to thank us. Thank The Flying Spaghetti Monster, for She made us all. Hurrah? Hurrah!
So, why do we even celebrate this stupid day? Why have just one day of the year to show your special someone you, you snow, sort of like them. We read some dreadful disaster stories; Valentine dates ending in tears when one man bought his lover an electric toothbrush as a gift. Unwrapped. The woman burst into tears. Whilst this is kind of funny, it’s best to avoid such stupidity and laziness if you want a lengthy courtship. Indeed, so hoist up thy underpants and hasten to the nearest establishment to make sure you’re armed to the eyebrows with gifts. Huzzah!
Bins are great for two reasons; when you raid them you often find ace stuff to take home with you, and if you don’t find anything then you can take the bin itself back with you! Nothing says “I’m quite fond of you!” than a foul stinking public bin smeared in all sorts of gunk.
Giant Blocks of Cheese
Nothing says “You don’t stink bad enough!” like a huge block or two of cheese stench. Hand it over to your partner with solemn disdain riddled across your face. For tea melt it all down in a big slow cooker and add in mascarpone, cottage cheese, the laughing cow wedges, and parmesan. A sprig of parsley on top of this bubbling soup will seal the deal. How romantic!
A Framed Picture of Genghis Khan
Get her mind off handsome Hollywood hunks such as Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, and Keith Chegwin with this handy large sized portrait of infamous Mongolian leader Genghis Khan. Imagine waking up to that staring down on your every morning! Even if you’re as ugly as a rotting animal carcass anything’s better than an ancient leader who’s been dead for 1,000 years.
Discover what animal your partner fears the most and purchase it for them. Obviously as it’s Valentine’s Day today it will take a fair old while to get this thing delivered, but a belated gift is better than no gift. Pets we promote for this are; honey badgers, donkeys, piranhas, three or four lemmings etc. Sorted! Incidentally, if you think a honey badger sounds like a great idea you should understand they’re one of the most naturally aggressive animals on Earth and show pretty much no fear. At all. Ever.
Taking the above step a bit further, book a holiday to go swimming with Great White Sharks! Minus the cage, of course. Then, at the last minute, announce you have to drop out as you have developed scurvy. Thusly your partner will have to do the dive alone. Hurrah! What a great independence building exercise.
No, not that awful, awful, AWFUL song by dreary indie singers Travis. No, we’re on about actual driftwood. “Er, what is it?” Well it’s wood that drifts about the place having, at some point or other, lost its balance and fallen into a river/lake/the ocean. Dragging some of this home (such as a log like in the above picture) will really prove what a man you are! Hunter gatherer? You betcha!
A Blob Fish (or three)
Find it somewhere and say you hunted it down in the water, caught it, befriended it, and then mercilessly slaughtered it for your romantic dinner. During this meal continuously pick your nose and wipe the results on your jumper, whilst remarking about how aesthetically appealing you think the Blob Fish is. Towards the end of the meal pretend to pass out drunk (or just get drunk) so you can’t remember anything. Think this will ruin your relationship? Nonsense, it’ll give you something to debate for years!