Exclusive Invention: The Cake Parachute

People have been “at it” for hundreds of years, but perfection has torpedoed by everyone. Until, that is, now!

Parachutes were contemplated as early as the 1470s, and even Leonardo DiCaprio gave his big brain a run around by doing up a drawing of one of the cloth based things. Over the years the things morphed into implements of semi-flying, dangerous fun, instruments of warfare, and then a return to dangerous fun. They now linger around in the latter bit like some sort of malodorous dunce and, frankly, we’re pretty fed up of the whole, “Kowabunga, dude!” evolution turn behind the contemporary parachute. Yes, those stupid hippies who launch themselves off Beachy Head, buildings, planes, massive cliffs, and other areas really ought to just get a bloody job. Or invent some new form of revolutionary parachute.

Step in Professional Moron and our massive wigs! If thrill seekers want to add a bit more THRILL to their seeking then our design concept for Cake Parachutes should, literally and figuratively, have your mouths salivating like a dog’s would be if it was staring at a roast chicken. Our concept is this; the ingredients of cake are strong enough to withhold the pressures of wind/thermals/weather etc. and keep a parachutist happy and merry as they plunge to earth. Cakes, for maximum safety, will be baked on site of the Parachuting Centre hours before jumps, and upon deployment the shoot would fire hundreds and thousands, chocolate drops, strawberries, and/or frosting over the ecstatically delighted parachuter. This happy person would then be able to physically EAT the parachute as they descended. Obviously it’s up to them to only consume an amount which would not lead to unexpected plunges towards a sudden end, but we’ll remove all liability by forcing everyone to sign waivers before going on up. What do you fink? Good, eh? We’re just waiting for our blueprints to get the all clear and then we’re inviting you all round for a test run. YOLO, mofo! Want to know more? Read on, Macduff!

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Designs

da Vinci's.... er, DiCaprio's 1495 design.
da Vinci’s…. er, DiCaprio’s 1495 design.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s first designs of the parachute can be seen above (one of them, anyway). It shows a naked man clinging for dear life to some strange object, with gibberish writing by the side of the man. This proves one of two things; DiCaprio was drunk when he thought up the design and thusly couldn’t think/write properly, or it’s a speech bubble of what one poor sold screamed in terror as they tested his device. Either way, we thank Leonardo DiCaprio and his marvellous acting chops. Without him, why, a generation of girls would have grown up being able to pronounce “Rose” properly (this is a Titanic joke, everyone).

Anyway, the point is we’ll design the cake parachutes in the traditional parachute way… except, of course, everything will be a cake. Which leads us nice to our next point.

Why Cake?

Cake. You know it makes sense.
Cake. You know it makes sense.

Well, why not cake? Why should we, such fervent supporters of the right to freedom of speech and general lunacy, not be allowed to make a parachuting company where the parachutes are made entirely out of cake? We’d hire the best chefs and use many different varieties, so we really can’t see why this would be a problem. The only REAL issue is if the cake was made with bad ingredients; for instance, if semtex got mixed up with flour. Then you’d have a problem! But, why would that happen? We’d ALWAYS store the semtex next to the flour in tins CLEARLY marked, “SEMTEX” and “FLOUR”.

Risks of Certain Death?

DANGER!
DANGER!

We’ve been forced to tell the truth here by our lawyers, thusly we clarify the likelihood of death during a Cake Parachute run as “probable”.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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