How To Be A Model

Your standard, knife wielding lunatic model.
Your standard, knife wielding lunatic model.

Models and modelling are and is a profession involving strutting your funky stuff whilst everyone stares at everyone. Catwalks around the world are synonymous with glamour, glitz, beautiful people, cheese, and baked potatoes. Why, if we weren’t all as ugly as rotting animal corpses, we’d be models in Paris earning a billion squid a year. Indeed, Kate Moss and all those other reprobates wouldn’t have a chance with our vacuous wit and general absurdity to go with our Size 0 figure and flowing locks of long hair. Indeed, we’d truly be the darlings of the industry.

If you think YOU have what it takes then you should hoist up your speedos and don that wife beating vest as, you know, it’s worth a shot seeing as all you have to do is strut about looking fabulous, right? WRONG! In today’s blog we reveal the harsh reality of making it as a model. Indeed, you’ll need to do more than slap on some lipstick and try not to blink when the shutter on the camera goes, thusly making it look like you’re in the midst of a stroke. Indeed, thyming is not overly important these days. “Well what is then, so called experts!?!??!” Read on, good sir/madam!

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Beauty

Is this how our appalling beautiful people hybrid would look?
Is this how our appalling beautiful people hybrid would look?

“Classic good looks” are important for the modelling world. If you look like you’ve been dragged along the ground for 300 yards by a herd of braying donkeys there’s no way you’re going on that catwalk. However, if you do naturally resemble Tutankhamun’s corpse you can, luckily, receive extensive plastic surgery these days to get (fellas) you looking like Jessica Chastain, and (ladies) the glorious curves of Arnold Schwarzenegger will be planted onto your hips. Of course you can modify every area of your body these days; if you want Big Arnie’s powerful man muscles in your arms but desire Chastain’s dainty legs then you can fully order this, and then get Brad Pitt’s features grafted onto your face. Thusly we have the Chadenegger, a creation of staggering depravity and grotesque aesthetical value. Let’s hope the thing can at least shuffle down that catwalk.

Emaciation

Thin is on the... left.
Thin is on the… left.

The lower sizes for many models should simply be referred to as “Size Emaciation”. Yes, being unattractively thin is all part and parcel of the modelling world as, you know, emaciation is just so gosh darned attractive. We’re quite surprised many models don’t actually snap in half as they do their catwalks – it would certainly make for an excellent TV documentary about the phemomenonmon; “Good evening, I’m your presenter, Billy Connolly. Why are all our models breaking in two? Tonight we take a look into the seedy underworld of eating only three oat flakes a day! Join us and guest speaks Engelbert Humperdinck and, from beyond the grave, Genghis Khan.” You’d watch that, right?

The Superglue Smile

What a smug git.
What a smug git.

Most models you see have the “cute but stupid” cheesy smiles which stretch out their stupid faces. Quite why these spurious mouthlifts are so popular (particularly in those tedious shampoo adverts) is beyond us, but they continue to dominate the modelling arena (along with the Moody Grimace – featured in the point below), so you do fear for the poor model’s health as all that smile must put a tremendous train on their cheeks. This is what we thought until we found out the fashion industry’s shocking secret; superglue. Da, they use SUPERGLUE to keep those poor models smiling during a lengthy shoot. Once it’s all over they burn the glue off with a flamethrower, and draft in the next model.

The Moody Grimace

Pretty.
Pretty.

This fashion phonomenomnom has challenged smiling somewhat for the “most popular/idiotic fashion pose”. Basically you look moodily into the camera as if something unfeasibly dramatic is occurring inside your brain, and let your mouth hang open slightly whilst tilting your head. Maybe even run a hand through your hair as if in terrific dismay at just how goddamn hot you are. If you really have to use this pose then we list some dramatic stuff for you to think about during your next Moody Grimace; Twinkies, the cabbage soup diet, flat tyres, spontaneous combustion, hedges, people who start applauding a moment too soon, people who don’t stop applauding for a few awkward extra seconds, and/or Rihanna’s inexplicable popularity.

Makeup and Technology

A pint of this a day will put hair on your eyebrows.
A pint of this a day will put hair on your eyebrows.

Doing a modelling shoot wouldn’t really work unless you can promptly photoshop any natural blemishes out. You can give this process a big helping hand, anyway, by simply wearing a crap load of cosmetics. And when we write crap load we mean it – you often see those people going around with peroxide dyed blonde hair and bright orange skin. Everyone needs to look like that, okay? Then in come the tech bods and their photoshopping pedantry.  After all, everyone’s perfect in the modelling world! *ACHOOOOO* Oh, sorry, we just got snot everywhere…

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