Spring is bounding its way merrily towards Europe like a salivating Rottweiler thrashing mercilessly to get itself at a hunk of freshly cooked beef. The flowers will soon be budding, the trees blooming, the lambs frolicking, and the ice cream vans colliding with each other. ‘Tis but a thyme of great wit and joy, with the opportunity to get some sunlight onto our pallid skin. Of course some folk just use sun beds and fake tan, but they’re losers. Pale is the new “in” look, so dig it, losers!

In England sunlight also means, from out of the woodwork, come the nation’s many (and voluble) Chavs. The Chav likes sunlight and flourishes its pasty, acne ridden, ASBO wielding skin on the Sun’s rays, ironically whilst reading The Sun newspaper. Elsewhere, other Brits take to feeding geese with bread, hunt down ice cream vans with shotguns, and generally fail to manage the sunlight beaming down on them. Sunburn. Indeed. Wear your sun cream, kids. That’s if you actually want to venture outside. There are many joys of spring to be had indoors, such as chasing out yet another damn fly, or leaping around in terror as a wasp/bee buzzes into your humble abode. Cripes, guv! So, here’s our guide on handling this rough time of the year. Onward, comrades!

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Plagiarise This Building – Stick A Massive Cup On Your Roof!

Heck, it’s going to be warm(ish) so why not get busy with the DIY and construct something massive and pointless on your roof! “Er… why?” BECAUSE! That’s why. Having an enormous cup in your roof not only deters burglars, it also encourages people to ask you if you’re some sort of tea selling shop, which means you can get increasingly irate with people! Remember; Belligerence Is Best!

Aim Fireworks At Wasps Nests

Relive those youthful days of yesteryear by getting hold of a batch of explosively dangerous fireworks. Next, find yourself a wasp’s nest. Combining the two together can be great fun! Simple aim and fire, and once you’ve scored a direct hit leg it like crazy! Lolz! Those crazy wasps won’t mind at all!

Go For A Jog In Winter Clothing

If you want some attention then go for a jog around your neighbourhood in an absurd amount of wintery clothing – it’ll make you look like you’re in Winter denial. A tragic syndrome. Symptoms include donning an overcoat, gloves, scarf, and a bobble hat, before sprinting about sweating profusely before collapsing somewhere. If anyone asks you what you’re doing simply remark at how freezing cold it is, even if sweat is pouring off of you like jam pours out of Jam Machines. See the hunk/lady of your dreams? Jog on over and frighten them away with the foul stench of BO. Hurrah! You’ll be committed in no time!

Build Wasp Guards

You’re going to want to fend off those naughty wasps over spring and summer, so we’ve come up with some nifty ways of doing this. You could sellotape your head up entirely, or carry a flamethrower around with you, or not leave your house/flat for 4 months, or sellotape fly swats onto your arms, or carry a load of semtex around with you… the list is pretty endless, and we wish you good luck with this perpetual war.

And finally…

Hunt Down This Bird And Train It To Crack Nuts For You

You don’t want to have to lounge around in your garden with your feet up AND have to crack open difficult nuts yourself. No, much better to find one of these Japanese Crows and get it to do it for you. Whilst it’s off risking feathers and beak for your consumption purposes, you can busy yourself reading our blog! There’s a good bit of advertising, eh? On another note, those crows are smarter than Chavs!