How To Ruin Spring For Everyone

“We believe this pitch is contaminated with litter from football hooligans.”

Yesterday we taught you how to enjoy Spring. Today we’re telling you how to behave yourselves so you don’t ruin it for others; we’re doing this by being all didactic and actually INFORMING you how to be incredibly annoying, thusly you will then know, and not do, any of the issues we raise. Good, we hope we’ve got this all sorted!

The fact is and are this; Spring is a very stressful time for all human beings as with the sudden arrival of the Sun we have the need to go and flaunt our stuff to the watching localised world. Indeed, in Manchester this means the Chavs come out of the woodwork to behave like obstinate gits, football fans become even more voluble, girls of all ages dress provocatively, and many men feel the need to also wander around half naked. Yes, the Brits don’t do sunlight. It’s probably a lot more diginified across the rest of the world as most other nations have a sense of self-awareness. Sadly this is lacking in England, a state of affairs what done and been getting worse with each passing decade. Most Brits think they live in Ibiza or somewhere similiar. They don’t. They live in Chorley and it’s Wetherspoons, roads, and McDonald’s, not majestic oceans and idyllic scenery. So this piece is aimed primarily at the English, but feel free to take heed of the following points if you so wish. Onward, comrades!


Let’s Get Naked!


First off we have general attire, which goes out of the window in England. Remember, “dignity” is not a word. It’s a letter. Letters are meant to be ignored, so rebel and ruin the glorious sunny sights for everyone by wandering around in barely anything in the pathetically narcissistic way a lot of folk do. Ladies, bare all! Get your boobs out and showcase every other available area of your body. After all, we all know the best guys are the ones who just want to get you out of what little clothing you’re wearing! As for the fellas, we all know you look dead fit with your top off and with the stylised tattoos over your pasty torso. Phwooooarrr!

Or, you know, dress appropriately and with distinction. This, primarily, goes to the English. Flashing your skin doesn’t mean you know the Sun’s out and you need to let everyone know you’re well fit. No, it means you’re a tramp.

Go On Holiday – Completely Ignore The Local Culture, Customs, And Language

This is what English beaches look like. Unfortunately this drives us abroad. I apologise for this.
This is what English beaches look like. Unfortunately this drives us abroad. I apologise for this.

Why bother learning phrases such as “Hello” and “Thank you” when you can just bumble your way across somewhere such as, say, Germany or France? Rollocks to it, eh? Mr. English Man; “These scumbag foreigners don’t know they’re born! And… what the hell is this food they keep offering us? Where’s me bloody Fish & Chips? What the ****? I miss ‘ome. Everything makes sense when I’m in the bubble of conformity and adherence which has been the mainstay of my insipid little existence. Oh well, at least it’s sunny here… I’m going to get my top off and showcase my enormous beer belly to the world. Hot stuff coming through!” Follow these principles are you’ll make locals really, truly despise tourists. Hurrah!

Become A Football Hooligan

Start them off when they're young. Indoctrination is always best.
Start them off when they’re young. Indoctrination is always best.

It’s almost summer, so it’s time to strip off any semblance of humanity by embarking on bouts of mindless violence and bigotry. Yes, Football Hooliganism is a blessing on the world and doesn’t at all make things more difficult than they need to be. See that normal looking bloke over there? Good! It’s the ENEMY! He supports a different team than you so HATE him for it and make him pay by booting him up the arse. COME ON BURNLEY! COME ON BURNLEY! COME ON BURNLEY!

Ramp Up Your Use Of Profanity

Everyone loves a bit of mindless, loud profanity!
Everyone loves a bit of mindless, loud profanity!

It’s sunny. Everyone’s a bit more drunk than usual, and tempers fray, or tongues just loosen to the extent of explosive language. Indeed, why not spoil the pleasant weather by effing and blinding like a lunatic. If anyone questions your language use, explode with belligerence and fail to see how ridiculously thick you’re being.

Make Dodgy Lemonade

Our slogan would be, "Buy Or Die!"
Our slogan would be, “Buy Or Die!”

Have you set up your Lemonade Stall on the street corner? Are you attracting the local wasp community? DON’T go spraying  wasp sprays around the drinks, dammit, as your customers will promptly drink it and develop colossal bowel issues and other illnesses. Seriously, use your brain! You’d be amazed how many summers this has ruined.

Dispense with some gibberish!

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