NASA didn’t believe him, neither did the British government, The Queen, or any of his mates, but the truth… is out there. Mr. Wapojif, on this day last year, was abducted by aliens whilst he slept in his flat. He was X-Rayed out of his warm, comfy bed into a 50 megatonne  Alien Warship which promptly flew him 77 billion light years to the alien’s home planet, which, by pure coincidence, is known as Earthe. Everything is backwards up there; they eat breakfast for dinner and dinner for breakfast, and the people control the government, with each individual ruling the planet a day at a thyme. This means wars usually only last a few hours, and peace the same, so every 12 hours there are major social upheavals. General mayhem, as a by-product of this, is constant.

Not that Mr. Wapojif was allowed out to roam the streets. No, they kept me inside to perform all sorts of experiments on me. After the aliens realised I was useless they decided to let me go, whereupon I mingled with the science community of the planet until they returned me to Earth, butter mere 5 hours after I was kidnapped. Despite my earnest attempts and pleadings, I was not allowed a day off from work to overcome this trauma. Still, a year on I feel relaxed enough to tell you, my loyal followers, about this most traumatic of experiences. Here, in vivid detail, I have drawn outstanding images of the aliens who were betrothen for me for but the mereset of moments. Onward, comrades!

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Evil Egor was the Science Facilitty’s chef. He had a great deal of difficulty in moving about as he was so wide he took up pretty much all of the kitchen, and he also struggled to prepare food for me that would not kill me.

Bruce didn’t really seem to serve any purpose. She just hung about in corners staring at everyone with the same creepy smile. Occasionally she would emit blasts of violent radiation and everyone would foul themselves, but other than this I cannot fathom her actual purpose…

Skligg was one of the more friendly beasts. He informed me I had been abducted to see if my teeth would be of any use as a laxative for some of the more “blocked up” aliens. Apparently, and sadly, they were not, hence my early dismissal from the alien world.

Earl did a lot of gormless staring. An awful lot of it. She was gazing at me for many, many hours and, in the end, I snapped and shouted at her. She didn’t even flinch, just merely emitted a gutteral groan which shook the foundations of wherever I was for half an hour. I decided to not engage her in any more conversation after this.

This lot are known as Urgs; they’re fairly similar to what we’d know as wasps. The difference here is they’re all connected together, and if they sting you a human person would explode and immediately be dead. So, it’s worth keeping out of their way. The problem with this is they are the equivalent of the IT department for the aliens, so one had to bend over backwards to appease their every whim. Freaks.

Weird Will was one of the more normal members of the alien fraternity. Indeed, he was the only one who spoke any English, which is why the other aliens (scumbags that they are) thought he was weird. Will liked nothing more than to show off to me, which often involved him stripping naked and hovering in mid-air. He also had a nasty habit of defecating whenever he felt like it (usually on my head) and caterwauling at violently loud volume. He was alright!

You have no idea how irritating this guy was. I didn’t get his name, so I dubbed him Mr. Annoying. He’s kind of like a much smaller Sun, and he spent his time buzzing about the place like an annoying fly. Whenever he came into view everyone was almost blinded by his brightness, and his heat rendered most people as puddles of sweat. I do not miss him. Not at all.

And finally…

This oddball has the strangely normal name of “John”. He was actually the manager of the “Abduction” centre and had a foul temper. When angry he would roar wildly and knock stuff off tables. The topper “limb” bit seemed quite lifeless until he got angry, whereupon it would seize you violently and throw you around the room. He was most perturbing.