Want to annoy the crap out of everyone? Well, rejoice, as Professional Moron is here with our FREE guide on how to be exasperating online! Huzzah! In the following tips you will learn how to go about making a thorough nuisance of yourself whilst surfing the World Wide Web. “Wicked?” Wicked!
The truth is social media networks have opened up the opportunity for narcissists, idiots, loud mouths, and bigots to launch themselves onto the world. Whilst there are lots of folk who use Twitter, et al, to terrific effect (and, boy, must they be fanked!) for every success there are 100,000 dunces who just can’t wait to make fundamental grammatical errors. Call us grumpy old bastards if you want (Mr. Wapojif is 28, office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf hamster 1 and a bit), or pedantic people, or prickly pears, but the simple truth is this; you can’t handle the truth! But you can be annoying, comrade, so get to it and read the post before we whip you with a length of cheesy string.
Young? Yes! Narcissistic? YES!!!! Then make sure you upload thousands of mindless pictures of you utterly wasted during your millionth night out. Seriously, those pictures of you looking thoroughly inebriated never get old. You should also engage in humblebragging regularly; “Guy in a van wolf whistled me – like I’m soooo into that… whatever!”, cryptic messages (“You know who you are and I know who you are although no one else know who you are, and you know what you’ve done, even if you don’t, and you know it’s time to know what there is to know”), oh, and if you’ve just had a baby post endless pictures of the child doing nothing at all. Enthuse aimlessly about the child as if it’s the only one on Earth. Mention the child constantly in every update (and there will be endless updates). Gone to the shops with the kid in the pram? Get pictures of this event on Facebook. Post a perpetual stream of baby Moron’s latest garbled nonsense, “OMG! BABY MORON IS A MORON!” Also, if you’re in a relationship, continuously point out how your love is pure and your relationship is way above everyone else’s. When you’ve had your inevitable wedding post at least 5,000 pictures of the ceremony alone. When the divorce kicks it, get vitriolic and let the obscenities fly! Never mind dignity, you’re angry, and on Facebook!
“Heres a pic of me + me best m8 Debs eating lunch! #Lunch #Food #Plates #Cutlery #Pretty #Girls #FHM #Fame #Glory #Unique #Narcissism #Superfluous #Hash #Tags #Gorgeous #Models #OneDirection #ILoveJustinBieber #IWANTJUSTINBIEBERSBABIES #Guys #Sandwiches #Stupidity”
Either that or set up an Automated DM Message demanding people buy your latest book. Authors, you have been warned.
Take pictures of absolutely everything you eat and get it up online IMMEDIATELY. Don’t stop there, however, as (obviously, duH!) everyone will want to know how this meal worked its way through your intestines, and how it evacuated your system! You can even post pictures of this online, too, to show your general good health and overall brilliance as a human being. Hurrah!
The comments section on YouTube is one of the most hilarious (and infuriating) experiences on the internet. Given the streaming video service’s popularity it means all manner of weirdoes descend on the comments section, all of them eager to put their (often borderline insane) opinions across. Mr. Wapojif likes to take full advantage of this (in a process known as deindividuation) and make comments which are, on the whole, incredibly bizarre and very annoying (to some, anyway). Good infuriation tactics involve the following; pretending to be illiterate, making purposely (but well veiled) idiotic comments, using the full 500 character limit to write meaningless gibberish, be stunningly patronising towards others, insist you are right about some arbitrary fact (even though you’re clearly wrong), and discussing something wildly irrelevant to the video’s subject matter (for instance, if it’s a Justin Bieber video, discuss how you once had to amputate your legs with a potato). Then sit back and wait for the outraged responses! Fun!
Whilst we do love Pinterest’s creativity and innovation, there are too many lazy people who choose a pretty picture of something and then scrawl some pretentious crap over the top. Like we’ve done above, and at the very top of our blog. Blingin’ geez!