Scientific Corner: Why Humans Don’t Need Three Legs

Mr. Wapojif first thing in the morning.
Mr. Wapojif first thing in the morning.

You may often find yourself walking and, suddenly, the realisation will hit you; “Gee… if I had an extra leg I’d be able to reach my point of destination with a certain degree of extra speed! I feel this is an evolutionary trick I have been denied of.” Whilst you may be sincere with your consideration here, the simple fact is you don’t need three legs. Now Professional Moron, who are esteemed and adored through the scientific communities across the globe (although the religious ones hate us – #YOLO!), are often left to point out to our readers why they’re being a bit, you know, dense. Or obtuse. Like an acute angle that’s inverted and decided to pursue Pythagoras’s more insane claims (such as bananas being the centre of the Universe). Pythagoras was also famous for inventing pies.

Luckily much of our science is based on mindless gibberish and rambling, thusly we get to avoid having to posit theories, pursue rigorous research investigations, and determine whether something is, or is not, fact. Even luckier, Mr. Wapojif is known as a “Moronic Genius” (in that he is certifiably cretinous, but also prone to bursts of extraordinary visionary wit) amongst peers such as Stephen Hawking, Barry Manilow, and Burt Bacharach. This means he doesn’t have to bother explaining himself. So, get this readers, here’s why you really don’t need that third limb! Hurrah!

———————–

Dead Legs Would Become A Global Pandemic

Ice Cream DOES NOT prevent a dead leg.
Ice Cream DOES NOT prevent a dead leg.

Ever sit on one leg at an awkward angle and then, shock horror, the thing cops it on you and it becomes this lifeless annoyance? Indeed. We all have. You have to wait a minute or two for the thing to come back to life whilst you scream, “CURSE YOU LEG!!!! I just wanted to get to the fridge freezer to get some Häagen-Dazs chocolate cookie chip ice cream, goddamit! AND NOW THIS!!!” Now imagine the mayhem of a THIRD leg to deal with. Two is often bad enough, now THREE?! People would be crying all over the place. Nightmare. Plus Häagen-Dazs’ sales would drop as a result – disaster!

Increased Probability Of A Broken Leg

Einstein; "O'reet?"
Einstein; “O’reet?”

Ah, probability. As Einstein was known to quip, “Probability is probable.” And, boy, was he right! Thusly, were you to have three legs instead of two, there would be a very real and dangerous increase in the chances of you breaking a leg, such as when going for a jog, when riding a bike, or when eating soup. Can you imagine the soaring medical bills with the increase in leg breaks? It isn’t worth the consideration, dammit!

Bicycles Would Be Rendered Useless

Ever tried riding a bicycle when you have three legs? Of course not, as you only have two! Thusly, the mathematical formula for such a three-legged outcome is as follows:

Basically, you’ll have to give up and own a Robin Reliant (which have three wheels, ironically).

Yoga Would Be A Lethal Hobby

Mr. Wapojif can do this. Honest.
Mr. Wapojif can do this. Honest.

Imagine trying to adopt the Lotus Position with an extra leg! The only outcome of this Mr. Wapojif could envisage is some sort of shattering of the fabric of reality. Either that or the Yoga practitioner would become entangled amongst their limbs and would need to be unentangled by a particularly patient unentangling person.

People Wouldn’t Be Able To Sit Like This Anymore

Dear readers - never sit like this.
Dear readers – never sit like this.

We wouldn’t advise you to sit like this as it’s a slightly perverted thing, Mr. Wapojif finds. Why not sit like a normal person? It’s really not difficult. Well, anyway, French artist Édouard Manet decided it would be a brilliant thing to sit like a bit of a weirdo, and thusly we have this picture of a famous artist. Sitting like a weirdo. Hmmmmm. Add in an additional lef and, frankly Frank, all we can see is someone shattering their bonce on the floor. Now that would be a tragedy! So, all hail two legs!

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