How To Be A Successful Food Critic!

The lobster was so heavy this bloke fell over.
The lobster was so heavy this bloke (who has weird arms – just look at them! Sinewy!) fell over.

Hi there, everyone! Welcome to today’s blog post! As you may well remember, we often cover food in amongst our rambling digital discourse directed directly (we felt like a bit of alliteration) dowards (so it went wrong – a bit) dou (you). Why? Well, as human beings here at Professional Moron, we have to eat stuff to stay alive. Fact. We also enjoy food a great deal, so we like to think of ourselves as Michelin starred chefs with make-believe restaurants. Mr. Wapojif also imagines himself as THE great food critic of his generation. Now if you’ve ever read any food critic’s pieces (Giles Coren, for instance, here in England is quite famous – and we have shows like Master Chef which are presided over by a bald man and someone with hair) tend to be turgid to the extreme, and insanely pretentious, portentous, moronic, vacuous, and/or thoroughly out of touch with contemporary society. For instance, our esteemed Overlord editor, Mr. Wapojif, once read an Observer piece where the critic gave the restaurant 0/10. The only way we’d do this (and we wouldn’t even award a McDonald’s 0/10) is if our legs were impaled by a gargantuan, radioactive lobster during our starter, and then the Head Chef came out to demand we not only mop up all our blood with a used dish cloth, but also fund the lobster through University as it was showing signs of Einstein levels of genius. Frankly we’d be unimpressed. “I was unimpressed with this restaurant!” is what Mr. Wapojif would write. “I ordered this fish thing for starters and was promptly assaulted by a, literally, glowing 10ft lobster who insisted his name was Burt Bacharach. After severing my legs the crustacean began a restaurant wide rampage which saw several customers blasted into outer space, and at least three children burst into tears. Irritated by the noise, the lobster then complained to his manager. The manager, effusive and apologetic to the last, rounded on his guests and condemned us all to the fires of Hell for all eternity. As aforementioned – one was thoroughly disinterested in this display of vagabond unprofessional.” As you can see, this would warrant a 0/10. However, professional food criticism (for the major papers in particular) is much easier. Want to get to those levels? Then, first, understand Marie Antoinette DID NOT EVER state “Let them eat cake!”. Ever. It’s a myth. Befitting to the extreme, but highly untrue. What is true? Well, comments about “It’s utterly fantastic! It just needs more seasoning. And the waiter didn’t pronounce his “Sir”s in a received pronunciation type thing. As a consequence, 4/10.” Behold, greatness awaits!

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