Unfortunately our beloved office pet Beans the Chinese Dwarf Hamster (January 2012 – September 2013) called it a day in early September and we had to bid farewell to her fluffiness. We wasted no thyme and decided she deserved a full scale concert extravaganza in remembrance of her life, which primarily consisted of running on her wheel, eating pumpkin seeds, and keeping Mr. Wapojif awake at night with her chaotic behaviour. We also wax lyrical about some of her personality quirks, for old times sake, and ramble on about other stuff we’ve been up to over the last few months. We’ve been gone a while, yo, but don’t expect a return to our daily posts. No. Instead, expect a, sort of, merger of abject laziness and occasional wittering. It’s going to be a remarkably ordinary end to 2013, so hold onto your butts and read on, Macduff!

The Band #1

The Band, with their beards and musical prowess, are here to play a number for Beans. The lyrics are about stuff and things and can be directly linked to hamster habits. “I pulled into Nazareth” – hamsters drive cars, so this is a good match. “Catch a cannonball, it’ll take me on down the line” – alright, so maybe the possibility of hamster catching a cannonball is unlikely. Beans definitely did not no never have anything to do with cannonballs. Alright, so we’re wrong. Hamsters have nothing to do with this song, but it was an interesting postulation for 0.2 of a second.

Bean’s Habits

Moodiness, endless energy, acrobatics, and a pumpkin seed addiction are what marked out Beans The Chinese Dwarf Hamster. her ability to launch herself upside down over the roof of her cage, and spend endless hours hurtling around on her (allegedly) silent Flying Saucer Wheel made for dramatic viewing. I wrote “allegedly” as she somehow turned the thing into a silent wheel to a very loud one, and also had the habit of flinging it upside down (no mean feat, given the wheel was much large than she ever was) at the end of her running shift. Despite the moodiness she was very cute, sweet natured, and bizarre. Anyone desiring a dwarf hamster as a pet should be warned these are traits of the species, and not a one off. So they’re not suitable as pet for children. Indeed. You have been warned.

The Band #2

So I’ve been listening to The Band a lot lately. Which is why they’re here again to do another number, this being a Marvin Gaye cover. Singing drummers, eh? That’s Levon Helm. Other singing drummers include Reni from The Stone Roses, and… no one else. Clearly it takes an unusual type of brain to manage the complexities involved.

Crepuscular, sir?

We did believe Beans to be nocturnal for her entire life, but have recently discovered hamsters are actually crepuscular. This means they’re most active during Twilight, which is dawn and dusk. Our new arrival (explained below) appears to ignore any hamster conventions and sleeps whenever he wants. Such a dodger, this rebellious young fiend. Anyway, we expect you all to enliven your daily converse with this crepuscular fact

Boris

Not wishing to dwell on this unfortunate demise, we purchased Boris the Syrian Hamster on the 12th October. If any of you have read George Orwell’s Down and Out in Paris and London you will understand the reference. If you don’t understand the reference, either read the book or heed our words of wisdom! Boris is a Russian gentleman who assists Mr. Orwell during their poverty stricken Parisian days. He is flamboyant, but very gentlemanly. He’s also obsessed with war. Boris the Hamster isn’t – he prefers chocolate drops. All hail Boris!

Us?

What have Professional Moron been up to? Work, you idiots! Mr. Wapojif is a prole scumbag and has to adhere to the whims of morbidly obese capitalists in order to fund his stupidity. And for what!?!? Well, a decent standard of living, that’s what! Away with you!