Colossal Weight Gain Experiment: Sponsor Our Absurd Quest!

French fries and cheese are junk food — Lovely!

You’ve probably all seen, or heard of, Super Size Me. It’s Morgan Spurlock’s 2004 documentary about eating nothing but McDonald’s for a solid month.

How to Gain Masses of Weight

Gross, right? Now this generation of youth are more fast food driven than ever—it’s seen as a staple diet by many. It isn’t healthy for you, kids, and it’s utter garbage as food.

Seriously, stop eating the crap. Go and buy a Burger King instead—much healthier! We can also recommend these things for a healthy diet:

Lots of sugar
Marmite
Salt
High fat foods (such as deep fried brie)
Endless cans of Coca Cola
Sitting around doing nothing is also useful to keep that Arnold Schwarzenegger physique in check

Anyway, we’re not here to rant about this, as Mr. Wapojif has an important announcement! He intends to inaugurate a Kickstarter campaign whereby he will gain as much weight as is humanly possible within a single month.

The Kickstarter sets a limit of money which needs to be met after a month, and if the amount is reached the individual may go ahead with his plans. First off, you may wonder why our glorious editor would do this.

So, what is the reason? None whatsoever, to be honest! Mr. Wapojif just rolls like this. So, read on, if you bloody well dare.

All for information on Mr. Wapojif’s intended diet, how much money he needs to raise (so he can fund all the food he needs, you see), and where and how you can meet Mr. Wapojif to shake his hand for his services to humanity.

Money To Be Earned

Money. everyone needs it (except Gandhi and dead people), and for his Kickstarter Mr. Wapojif will need around £10,000 to fund his intended diet through January 2014.

Incidentally, any questions about Mr. Wapojif’s berserk state of mind will be forwarded to Mr. Wapojif—you really don’t want this. He doesn’t react well to anything at all.

The Diet

Right, first off we’ll state you really shouldn’t try this at home. If you really feel like replicating our brave hero Mr. Wapojif then head to your nearest hospital before going ahead.

Our glorious leader is currently around 13 stone, is 6ft 1” tall, and has a decent fitness level. By the end of January 2014 we’re not sure what to expect, but he’s aiming to gain around 10 stone.

He intends to lose this weight in February 2014 by not eating anything except turnips, whilst doing exercises such as, “13km marathons in under 40 minutes”.

For information on his intended diet read below. Thank you, and please be as generous with your sponsorship money as possible (or else)! It’s for a good cause (no it isn’t), and will make Mr. Wapojif a better person (it won’t).

Breakfast

It’s the most important meal of the day! Mr. Wapojif’s morning will begin with at least 20 fried eggs, 12 sausages, 10 butter pancakes with extra butter and syrup and sugar topping, a block of deep fried brie, and this will be washed down with a litre of double cream.

He’ll then smoke 10 cigarettes “to clear my system of toxins”, before heading out for a McDonald’s breakfast with 17 extra hash browns, and he’ll pick up five extra large chips whilst he’s out there.

He’ll quench his thirst by heading to Starbucks and ordering whatever full fat coffees are on offer.

Mr. Wapojif will also commence snacking constantly after breakfast. He intends to consume, each day, around 50 bags of crisps, 20 Mars Bars, a can of squirty cream, five pints of melted ice cream, 20 chocolate chip full butter cookies, and a small jar of marmalade. If he gets lethargic at any point he’ll drink three cans of Red Bull.

Lunch

Lunch will commence with a haggis, bovril, and 13 more sausages. Mr. Wapojif will be thirsty by this stage, and will drink 10 pints of beer between midday and 6pm, following by a litre of Baileys Irish Cream with added butter.

He’ll also consume at least 20 cans of Coca Cola through the day.

He’ll head over to an all you can eat curry house and gorge on naan bread and full fat curry, before heading out for two fish & chips meals, four pies, a pasty, a cup of Bovril, and a tin of corned beef hash.

He’ll round things off with a large, full fat block of cheese and ten cigars as, “They’re healthier than cigarettes”.

Dinner

A starter of three tubs of ice cream will get things rolling nicely. Mr. Wapojif will then have two whole roast dinners to himself, replete with extra bacon rashes, 10 sausages, 15 Yorkshire Puddings (ee ba gum!), and butter gravy.

He’ll then have three Christmas puddings with all butter sauce, and he’ll consume two packs of After Eight mints to freshen his (no doubt) odorous breath.

This’ll be washed down by half a litre of brandy. However, the day will not be done here! Our intrepid weight gainer will need dessert.