See the fish above, everyone? Good! Anoplogaster cornuta (or “Dave” to his owner) is a fearsome looking beast. The species is, however, totally safe, innit. They’re not violent towards humans, which is always a relief as stuff from the sea is usually a bit, you know, dodgy. Great white sharks, for instance. You wouldn’t keep one of them in your bathtub! LOL! Indeed. What would Professional Moron keep in its bathtub? Mould. That’s what. It’s there all the time, festering. There’s a 10cm tall mushroom as well which we’ve been growing – he’s called Mushy the Mushroom, but hasn’t mastered talking yet.
Anyway, head on for a detailed biological discovery of its anatomy, or something. As we’re so smart here at Professional Moron, we know all about these fish beasts. So, prepare yourself for dazzling facts and staggering astonishment. Onwards!
1 – Tail
Okay, you may notice below the use of the word “Tail”. This is because the fish has a lot of tails. Nothing else, nothing more, don’t blame us blame evolution. And Communism.
2 – Tail
The second tail we noted. What’s interesting is why this fish needs so many tails. Whilst we figure it needs to manoeuvre in water, but surely it could lose one tail and grow out a laser cannon, or something. This is where fish are just so stupid; if one of them had a machine gun it’d rule the seven seas!
3 – Twitter Feed
Contemporary fish have evolved to have Twitter accounts. Hell, if that idiot Miley Cyrus can manage it, so can a fish. They have the same intellects. Fish have interesting things to Tweet about, such as sea water and great white sharks. Great white sharks tweet about World Domination and how ace Jaws the movie was. Fact.
4 – Earring
Fish these days are pretty fashionable, so this fish has the latest bling to make itself appear all wondrous to other fish. It’s an evolutionary trait designed to get other fish interested. So it’s a dating type of thing.
5 – Brain
Fish are very stupid, but they still need a brain to stay alive and make simplistic decisions. Decision making is usually dependent on what direction a fish wants to swim. If a fish doesn’t want to swim, it will be murdered by a great white shark within 0.7 seconds of its moronic decision.
6 – Nose ring
Another fashion accessory designed to pull other fish.
7 – Frontal antennas
These aren’t teeth, they are antennas to detect when a great white shark is in the vicinity. When one isn’t in the area, the teeth are silent. When one is, the teeth let off a high pitched screech. This alerts the fish of the shark’s presence. On the downside, the great white then knows where the fish it. The system needs some work, admittedly.
8 – Lipstick
Hell, even a fish wants to look beautiful, right?
9 – Haribo Teeth
To look more scary than they actually are, fish often use decoy Haribo sweets teeth to bolster their arsenal of toothy madness.
10 – A thing
Although we’re not sure what this thing does, we presume it has something to do with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
11 – Tail
Another tail. Actually, returning to our concept of heavily armed fish, we would like to state we don’t support the concept of a great white shark getting its hands on a bazooka. Can you imagine the mayhem? They’re bad enough as it is! Don’t believe us? Watch Jaws. It’s fact.
12 – Tail
Here’s a quick fact about fish: 500 million years ago it’s believed fish could walk and talk like human beings do, but after growing bored of one another hit the seas and morphed into what we know today. There’s no evidence for this at all, but we name the theory Fishism.
13 – Bits of the Tail
Fish use their tails to propel themselves through sea water. Sometimes, when bored or depressed, fish attach themselves to fishing hooks to see if they can escape.
14 – Tail
Fish are a popular food stuff and many nations on the planet eat fish. Fish tend to dislike being eaten, but due to economic growth it is believed every human being will one day eat some form of fish with every meal. “Fish milk with your cornflakes, sir?” etc.