Desserts vs Deserts!

Omg… it’s a desert!

One of the most common spelling confusations (what? It’s a word, look it up!) is the whole dessert/desert thing. Why is it confusing? Well take a look. One “s” separates two vastly disparate things. One is a vast expanse of inhospitable sand, the other a pleasant (although unhealthy) globule of sugar and chocolateyness (also a word). Now deserts aren’t always chocolate, of course, but, let’s face it, chocolate is the best thing in deserts. And probably desserts, too. Imagine being lost in a desert (or dessert) and you find some chocolate pudding. You’d be all, like, “OMG! My predicament may be a bit unfortunate, but at least one has chocolate to consume! Innit.” Yet, despite this glorious moment of glory, you’d be too confused by the colossal magnitude of eating a desert in a dessert. The very fabric of reality could well implode at such moments, so tread very lightly here, readers. Even thinking about it is enough to wrench your brain from your skull. Which would, you know, be, probably, fatal. Or something or other. At any rate, it would promote a wound.

Anyway, whether you’re a dessert or a desert person you have to wonder which one is: most dangerous, most confusing, weird, amusing, terrifying, and indistinct. Weave covered some of these areas for you so, dear imbeciles, head onwards to discover the truth!

Most Dangerous

You think this dessert is safe? Think again, heathen!
You think this dessert is safe? Think again, heathen!

We’d say they both have a KILLER instinct. When desserts aren’t busy dehydrating you, they’ll freeze you to death if you hang around them at night. Deserts, in the meantime, can give you brain freeze, will rot your teeth, and will generally clog your arteries. If we had to choose one it would be deserts. The consumption of chocolate may well be a lingering, protracted death, but it’s at least goddamn fun. Yeah!

Most Confusing

Even deserts grow hair.
Even deserts grow hair.

Desserts are confusing as they don’t really do anything. It’s just this sand stuff, you know? Sand everywhere, and then, “Oh bollocks, I’ve trodden on this snake! Feck, the stupid things bitten me, an’ all! Damn my bad luck!” And guess what? The snake’s the most deadly snake on the planet, and now your leg’s swollen to the size of a giraffe. You’d be all, “Today is not my day. Not one bit.”

Deserts, in the meantime, are less confusing. It’s food. You eat it. Usually with a spoon, but if you’re stupid a fork or chopsticks will do.

Most Weird

Stay the hell away from my dessert!
Stay the hell away from my dessert!

Desserts throw mirages at you, and there’s also the phenmonen… phenomanen… phononanonon and on… of Singing Sand. When the wind blows over a specific type of formed dune, the damn things let rip with its take on Celine Dion’s Titanic song. Weird? Yes. Intensely irritating as well.

Deserts aren’t weird. Ho no, sir. They’re as cool as a cucumber. Mind you, Spotted Dick’s a bit weird. I mean, why the hell call a dessert that? Other names are a bit odd. Soufle? Sorbet? Moose? What the hell has a moose got to do with my goddamn desert?

Most Amusing

Apple oatmeal pizza?! LOL! Whatever next?! Cheese cake?! LOL!
Apple oatmeal pizza?! LOL! Whatever next?! Cheese cake?! LOL!

Desserts have this habit of promoting delirium and insanity when lost in their sandy depths. Folk go mental, and see mirages and hallucinations, and visions of Genghis Khan wearing a pink dress and flirting with you. And you’d shout, “Go away, Genghis! I’m very open minded, but you’re just not my type! No, it’s nothing to do with the mass murder and ruthless annihilation, it’s just the moustache. It doesn’t suit you. No, if you shave it off I won’t go on a date with you. Look… it’s not you, it’s me. I think we should be friends.” Etc. Pretty hilarious!

Deserts, in the meantime (we’ve used this stock phrase a lot today) have names like Spotted Dick, which are just effing hilarious if you still have a, you know, type of sense of humour.

Most Terrifying

THE HORROR! White blob assaults brown thing!
THE HORROR! White blob assaults brown thing!

Look at this. It’s a blob assaulting some… brown thing. Desserts are terrifying, make no mistake! Delicious? You bet, but don’t be confused by the jelly wobbling. It’s the waiter trembling in horror at the thought of what the heinous blob might do next. Indeed.

Deserts have their fair share of horror too, of course, such as realising your iPhone doesn’t have a signal way out there. “And the killer snakes, Professional Moron. Don’t forget.” What killer snakes? Idiots, nothing can live out in the dessert! All there is is sand.

Most Indistinct

A plate of…. WTF!?!?

Irate customer: “What the hell is this? An empty plate? I ordered a goddamn DESERT not an empty plate, you prole scumbag! You know, I earn more money than you in a week than you do in a year, or something! And you can’t get my order right?! ***ing stupid goddamn Communist!” etc around the world.

Yes, the truth is, if you’re in a desert, you know you’re in a desert. There’s sand everywhere, that’s why. Overwhelming heat, too. Expect plenty of it. With desserts… well, you can get stuff that looks like lava, other some substance from another planet, and some things are even made out of cheese! Freaks.

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