It’s been all change in the Professional Moron office, some of it for the unbetter good. Our office pet, Boris the Syrian Hamster, suddenly met a peaceful end in February 2014. Whilst there was a period of mourning for his fluffiness, our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif didn’t miss a beat. In March of 2014, he picked up 9 week old Keith the Syrian Hamster, thusly saving the poor dude from a fate of lying around in a pet store.

Now hamsters are incredibly timid and nervous at first, and trying to earn their trust is like trying to punch The Queen in the face. It takes perseverance, skill, knowledge, understanding, pointless stupidity, and a learned appreciation for something unknown. Mr. Wapojif is skilled in all such things, and befriended Keith within a week. As wee hamsters, their confidence flourishes rapidly and they’re soon bossing you about the place and demanding food. Such is the way of things. Anyway, read on for hamster based insights. They’re bizarre little creatures and one can only be thankful they’re not psychopaths (like great white sharks) so one can observe their behaviour.

Boris’ Notable Moments

In his all too brief life, Boris achieved many things (including a PhD in Berserk Chocolate Consumption). Two successful escape attempts, savaging Mr. Wapojif’s bathroom wall, roughly 300 hours of running on his wheel, and a manic fascination with chocolate drops and food in general. Quite the achievement for what is, essentially, a blob of fur on four spindly legs. Boris also perfected what one has dubbed “Guilt Inducing Begging”, by standing up, clawing at the roof of his cage, falling over, and repeating the process whenever Mr. Wapojif approach the cage. This was a way of shaming the owner into dispensing with food. Conniving little git.

Perhaps most notably, Boris succeeded in being a hamster. With no formal training he, regardless, did his job with the cool aplomb of any professional. We salute you, Boris, and will miss your beloved antics.

Keith’s Arrival

Keith shredded his way out of his container box supplied by the pet store, and quickly took to his Flying Saucer flying wheel like a chav taking to litre bottles of cheap cider. On first glance he may look like Boris: this is as they’re Syrian hamsters, stupid. Keith is actually primarily white, with brown splodges on his face. Kind of like he’s smashed his face into peanut butter.

Hamsters in general have intrinsic habits which don’t differ. Ever! Here’s what one has perceived over the years of ownership with Beans (a Chinese dwarf hamster), Boris, and now Keith:

• An inability to stay still (unless asleep),
• An all encompassing infatuation with food,
• Acrobatic skills (such as hanging upside down from cages etc.),
• Extremely deep sleep patterns, and,
• A hell of a lot of energy.

They is also tolerant creatures, after an initial stage of timidity. Think about it. As humans, if you were owned by something 50+ times bigger than you, would you be happy about being picked up, cooed at, and generally marvelled over? No you bloody well would not. You’d go, “Oi! This is a breach of my human rights, you SOB!” You might even get really angry and throw a punch at the gargantuan monster lugging you around.

Hamsters don’t give much of a damn about this. Never do they proclaim demands for Hamster Rights, nor do they have a hissy fit by being carried about. Indeed, the only time one has seen Keith in any way annoyed is when one woke him up. They sleep so deeply, rousing them is like prodding a drunken tramp with a stick. An expression of “WTF!!?!?!” is the usual response. They look so devastated when waking up it’s as if life itself has entered some transmundane parallel universe, thusly proving the answer to all of life’s questions is (and are) – hamsters.