The apocalypse. Culture’s been pretty obsessed with it for the last… well, decade or something. Longer, even.
In the late ‘90s you had films like Independence Day, Deep Impact, and Armageddon. Now it’s The Road, Toy Story 3, The Walking Dead, and a million other things with zombies. You also get the odd real life lunatic turning up to rave about the End of the World. Like with the whole Mayan thing a while back. And that got us thinking about…
Apocalypse Scenarios We’d Totally Embrace
Some folk had it down that the Earth would implode. Mr. Wapojif, being a gullible sort, packed his suitcase with tea and marmalade and awaited his arrival in the Paradise of afterlife. What happened?
Well the Mayans got it bloody wrong, that’s what! Mr. Wapojif looked like an idiot and we’re all still alive. DAMMIT!
It got us thinking, though. Especially as this Noah film is out right now. The end of the world. Why does it always have to be through hellish fireballs, agony, and horror? Why not an apocalypse through daffodils, bunny rabbits, and candy floss?
So, we dug our heads into the sand and snorted up a selection of the very best Pleasant Apocalypses. Read on, Macduff!
The Daisy Chain Making Apocalypse
A simple one to inaugurate this pointless lunacy. Everyone across the world gathers together in parks and woodland areas for polite conversation on a pleasant spring afternoon. Then, over the next few hours, they all Daisy Chain themselves to death.
This isn’t a noted phenomenon in any scientific journals we checked, so we’ll coin the phrase the “Daisy Chain Apocalypse. Noun. Def: Quite literally someone who makes daisy chains so thoroughly they end up dead”.
Scientific Explanation: The dramatic loss of so many daisies would cause a sudden, violent drop in oxygen levels, thusly suffocating everyone during delightful conversation about flowers. Woodstock!
The Laughing and Skipping Apocalypse
There’s something eerie about laughing manically whilst skipping. Picture it in your head right now, dammit. Some 50 year old bloke, say Tom Cruise, skipping up and down as he shrieks uncontrollably with laughter.
Whilst it’s goddamn unnerving, there is a certain nobility to it all. Until the person falls over dead through exhaustion.
Scientific Explanation: 7+ billion people skipping in unison?! The Earth would leave its orbit and careen through space, demolishing itself along the way.
The Being British About It Apocalypse
Worst case scenario – it’s the apocalypse from the Bible. Fireballs, horror, mayhem. What to do?!? Well there’s no real need to panic insanely when existence itself is coming to an end. Why be so melodramatic? Embrace stoic nerve and be British about it.
Sickening politeness and tea is all one needs when the Earth is blowing up around you.
Your leg’s been blown off by an errant explosion? Quip, “I say, old chap!” and have a sip at your Earl Grey. Arms burned to a crisp? Retort, “Damn and blast it, you absolute rotter!” It’s a somewhat delusional way to go about things, but so what? Your arms are on fire, man!
Scientific Explanation: The deity hates our guts.
The Turnip Growing Apocalypse
We like turnips a great deal at Professional Moron, so we’d be delighted to solemnly “go down with the ship” due to overdoing it whilst turnip farming.
One could so fervently reap and sow the land your turnip ends up a mile high, blocking out the sunlight across the planet. As the temperatures plummet, you realise the time has come. Seeing as it’s the end of the world you could cheat a bit now.
Get some weird chemicals and preservatives. Inject some growth hormones into them turnips, you know?
Time is of the essence during an apocalypse after all. Within a few hours you’d have a few Super Turnips which would blast through into the universe and bring about the end of time itself. Nifty.
Scientific Explanation: Chemicals are the work of evil. Plus, the loss of sunlight would be pretty catastrophic. Not even a sunbed can help you there. Solution? Buy Turnip Boy Commits Tax Evasion and you’ll be sorted.
The Nose Picking Apocalypse
Nostrils have to be picked, and it’s not an unpleasant activity. It’s also pretty amusing to imagine folk such as da Vinci, Einstein, Nietzsche, Spinoza, Margaret Thatcher, Burt Bacharach, and Elvis Presley picking their noses at some point.
Heck, they may even have eaten the stuff afterwards. We don’t condone eating snot at Professional Moron, but if your life depended on it you would. Nutrients etc.
Anyway, this Apocalypse would come about as everyone would be too busy picking their nostrils to feed themselves, bathe, clean their ears, and floss their teeth. The horror!
Scientific Explanation: Elvis Presley.
Oh good lord… This has to be one of the funniest things I’ve read all day. The Being British About It Apocalypse sounds nice. Keep calm and don’t give a flying f-ck… with tea!
Mercy buckets! Yes, we do believe a spot of tea is the solution to many of the more disastrous possibilities out there. Such as Avril Lavigne’s latest single. Jam the earplugs in and drink some tea, dammit!
[…] 7. Professional Moron: … Follow the blog. Just do it. Don’t think too hard about the posts. Just laugh. And then let the deceptive moronism slowly overwhelm your brain. Recommended reading: “Apocalypse Scenarios We’d Heartily Embrace!” […]
Fab article! It’s hard to pick my fave apocalypse, but I’m leaning toward “Daisy Chain Making”, although the “Turnip Growing” Apocalypse could be a gas.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The Daisy Chain one is my fave for sure. Gosh, it’d be fab! Get Richie Havens music playing, the Woodstock vibe, and daisy chain like crazy!