Your Favourite Football Players Discuss Physics

A Plasma Flame is, you know, 3+2 = 12.
A Plasma Flame is, you know, 3+2 = 12.

We’re not massive football fans in the Professional Moron office. We always took more interests in snails, jam, and cardboard. As a boy Mr. Wapojif certainly enjoyed it, but as he aged and withered away he took to great works of literature, such as Where’s Wally? and Spot the Dog. Still, the World Cup 2014 is looming on the horizon like a giant vat of marmalade. The marmalade looks nice, and there’s a big sign next to it saying “Werld Cup 2014! Happy Happy Happy Joy Joy!” which has just been petrol bombed and is now blazing away whilst the distraught organisers sycophantically applaud as if nothing was wrong. Now that was some sentence.

There’s no denying footballers are on something. A lot of money, sure. Drugs? Maybe. Duress? Perhaps. A cabbage soup diet? Almost certainly! What they’re not on is a didactic course in Advanced Physics. It is Mr. Wapojif’s belief the top footballers of the world should also be the very best scientists and philosophers (Albert Camus was, of course, a goalkeeper in his spare time) to justify their colossal wages. Following a match, the players would leave the pitch to give press interviews and, instead of discussing the match through a series of insipid monologues, viewers would be treated to insights of the universe our feeble brains simply couldn’t handle. Massively entertaining, non? So, without wasting any more thyme here’s what it’d be like to have Footballers on Physics.

Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney on a wall.
Wayne Rooney on a wall.

Rooney’s current thought process: “You know what… if… if I kick this… thing, it’s going to shoot forward… and then summit will happen.”

With a spell in the Department of Physics: “Through the extraneous use of Charles’s Law, and one’s qualia based notions, one perceives the likely outcome of this football based situation to be positive. Now, if one applies fundamental angstrom to the spherical object below it could, perchance, through a series of largely existential exertions, imputed by oneself, discover itself within the confines of the netted rectangular environment ahead.”

Luis Suárez

Luis Suárez likes everyone. A lot.
Luis Suárez likes everyone. A lot.

Suárez’s current thought process: “****in’, gotta stamp on everyone’s testicles and get violent a lot! I hate everyone! Anger is good!”

Suárez following a month of Physicsness: According to Newton’s laws of motion, juxtaposed with Lagrangian mechanics, the kinematics of this situation appear to be more than tedious prolixity. One must not punch player’s in the face in order to excel at this game of foot based ball interaction. One’s comprehension of the experience is electromagnetic! Break free from one’s violent constraints, and fly, like Icarus flew, but not too close to the sun as I don’t want sunburn, and become… one.”

Eric Cantona

Erica Cantona
Erica Cantona and his nice beard.

Cantona’s former thought process: “KILL! KILL! KILL! KILLLLL!!!! Merde.”

Had he enjoyed a spell in the Department of Physics: “Einstein? Sac de merde! Theory of relativity? Putain! Covariance, manifold, equivalence principle, geodesic motion, gravitoelectromagnetism, time dilation? Fils de salop! Chaos theory? Continuum mechanics, kinetic theory, path integral formulation, scattering theory, Schrodinger’s cat? C’est des conneries! Casse-toi! Je suis Eric Cantona. JE SUIS ERIC CANTONA!!!!”


Pelé and Bill Clinton kick a "soccer" ball. This isn't at all surreal.
Pelé and Bill Clinton kick a “soccer” ball. This isn’t at all surreal.

Pelé’s former thought process: “As everyone keeps informing me, I am the very best.”

Had he taken to Physics class: “I am still the very best. Also, one plus one equals two. See, I’ve got the skills and the smarts now. Worlds domination awaits!”

Peter Schmeichel

Peter Schmeichel doesn't like ice cream.
Peter Schmeichel doesn’t like ice cream.

Schmeichel’s former thought process: “With my massive 9ft frame I will do my job effectively and excellently and will generally be of sound mind.”

Had he studied Physics at University: “****ing hell! I really should be more of a narcisstic SOB! I’m the best in the damn world. The best in the damn world! MWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! HAH!”

Cristiano Ronaldo

Cristiano Ronaldo wonders why his minions do not bow before his brilliance.
Cristiano Ronaldo wonders why his minions do not bow before his brilliance.

Ronaldo’s constant state of mind: “I AM GOD!”.

Had he attended a Physics course: “Gee, you know what, I really am not the absolute centre of the world!” Zing!

Dispense with some gibberish!

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