The inexorable passage of time doesn’t make fools of us all, but it does make a lot of us look a bit stupid, and it does make us grow older. Today, as we rapidly approach 2015, we take a look back at one of the defining news stories of this year: the day 30 million hamsters descended upon Dover.
A long distance haul truck, which collided with a donkey at 10am on 12th June, barrel rolled off a freeway onto a pile of fluffy pillows (which were left behind by a long distance haul truck which had collided with a llama). The hamsters, sensing freedom and possible access to fresh vegetables, made a break for the nearest town. Horrified onlookers on the White Cliffs of Dover observed the swarm of hamsters from several miles away. Karl Mobson, a retired former ballet dancer, opined, “The sight was, at once, the cutest thing imaginable and, yet, utterly, utterly, terrifying. We all began screaming hysterically, with occasional coos of adoration.”
As the swarm drew nearer to Dover, Mr. Mobson’s partial ambiguity turned to unbridled terror. He weeped, “There were just so many of them! 30 million hamsters all after one damn thing – pumpkin seeds! They shredded all before them. Buildings and roads were exploding as they nibbled their way to nutritional satisfaction. I saw no other option but to fling myself off the White Cliffs of Dover and take my chances in the open ocean.” Sadly Mr. Mobson’s jump wasn’t sufficient to reach the water, and he plummeted legs first onto the rocky beach below. He’s since made a 77% recovery.
Dover was only saved from total annihilation by the unexpected, and highly well timed, arrival of 70 tonnes of organic pumpkin seeds in the famous port. The boat delivering this haul was promptly besieged by the hamsters, but quick thinking Captain McBurgers locked them in the cargo bay. He grunted, “They was everywhere! We all thought we was doomed, but they was only interested in getting to the cargo bay. Once they was in there I locked them in, and we drove to an unmanned island and let the buggers loose! I were so scared I fouled my pants.”
The hamsters have since set up a successful colony on what is now known as Hamster Island, although there are concerns they intend to build life rafts and return to England for further invasions. Damages to Dover were estimated to be in the £7 billion region, and the day will forever be remembered as The Day All Those Bloody Hamsters Turned Up.