You’ve heard of eyebrows, right? No doubt you’ve even seen a reflection of yours in a mirror at some point recently. Humans often interact with them insubordinately; some hooligans spend hours moulding and plucking them into a kind of dramatic arc – reminiscent of the works of art by [insert overrated famous artist]. We’re not blaming any gender here, but it is WOMEN who are at fault.

Being men, we at Professional Moron leave our eyebrows as nature intended. Like every other species on Earth! We can’t help but wonder, however, why the human body has evolved to the point where we have this, frankly, useless batch of hair above each eyeball. Why aren’t there other brows on our important skull attachment bits? By “skull attachment bits” we refer to the nose and ears. Some more learned readers may consider their hairdo a kind of earbrow, but this isn’t the case. It’s your hair, idiot, and nothing else!

If evolution had done a proper job all humans would have very handy (particularly during winter months) earbrows. We’d like to go a step further here and promote an additional brow on the nose; this would be particularly useful for mountaineers who face frostbite up in high places, such as whilst in aeroplanes on their way to mountains like the North Face of the Eyebrow. Eiger, apologies. Before you try and get clever with us, though, moustaches don’t count as nosebrows in any way shape or form – they are essentially lipbrows. This has been proven by experts in biology, such as Sylvester Stallone.

To support our dim-witted verbosity we direct you to the Animal Kingdom (no, not the 2010 Australian film starring Guy Pearce). Cats! Cats have nosebrows. In fact, cats have everything browed as they’re covered in fur (except Sphynx cats, which make up for it by being covered in skin). In fact, thinking about it, most hairy animals have nosebrows and earbrows. Our consternation over this realisation leads us to a shocking conclusion which, hitherto, you may never have known: hair is useful. We will be posting this dissertation to top scientific journals, such as The Daily Mail, and will await our Nobel Prize in Stuff. Oh yes.