Flip flops. This is onomatopoeic fashion in action – a shoe named after the stupid noise it makes. We find it offensive! There is, however, more to the flip-flop than meets the brain. Fashion accessory aside, they double up as a man feet odour worseners (a real word), and are the current darling of the fascist Hipster movement.
Hipsterism exploded into fashion a few years back. It’s about being an individual, liking cult stuff, and being of one’s own mind, whilst simultaneously being another collective mainstream fashion statement to adhere to. To be a Hipster all one needs is a big man beard (especially if you’re a woman), a granddad jumper, ultra-skinny skinny jeans, flip-flops, and a constant denial of being a Hipster. Bless.
Everyone else can wear flip-flops, of course, but there are official guidelines handed out by governments across the world. Where Professional Moron resides, in the UK, wearing flip-flops with socks is illegal and results in Prince William’s first newborn flogging the offender alive with a rusty chain of candy floss.
In other areas of Europe, such as France and Denmark, to wear flip-flops one must first pass a foot odour test each and every morning. Wearers are checked by Foot Inspectors whom follow pre-determined guidelines on acceptability. These being:
- A glorious odour. This individual is either rich (therefore bathing in butter and roses), or has a fortunate medical disorder.
- Pleasant. This person has nice feet.
- Mildly concerning but acceptable to a certain degree.
- A most disgusting stench – this person must either be jailed or flogged alive by their significant other. In the absent of one of these, simply punch them in the face.
- Vomit inducing.
Anyone guilty of #5 is jailed for a minimum of 35 years. Tough but fair, we believe.
At Professional Moron we frown on flip-flops, but understand why some may wear them. 2015 will mark a watershed moment for the shoes, however, as the EU will be holding talks regarding whether the odorous stench of man feet, exasperated by flip-flop wearing, is a breach of moral standards. We shall await their verdict.