Flip flops. This is onomatopoeic fashion in action – a shoe named after the stupid noise it makes. We find it offensive! There is, however, more to the flip-flop than meets the brain. Fashion accessory aside, they double up as man feet odour worseners (a real word), and are the current darling of the fascist Hipster movement.
Hipsterism exploded into fashion a few years back. It’s about being an individual, liking cult stuff, and being of one’s own mind, whilst simultaneously being another collective mainstream fashion statement to adhere to. To be a Hipster all one needs is a big man beard (especially if you’re a woman), a granddad jumper, ultra-skinny skinny jeans, flip-flops, and a constant denial of being a Hipster. Bless.
Flip-Flops & Fashion
Everyone else can wear flip-flops, of course, but there are official guidelines handed out by governments across the world. Where Professional Moron resides, in the UK, wearing flip-flops with socks is illegal and results in Prince William’s first newborn flogging the offender alive with a rusty chain of candy floss.
In other areas of Europe, such as France and Denmark, to wear flip-flops one must first pass a foot odour test each and every morning. Wearers are checked by Foot Inspectors whom follow pre-determined guidelines on acceptability. These being:
- A glorious odour. This individual is either rich (therefore bathing in butter and roses), or has a fortunate medical disorder
- Pleasant. This person has nice feet
- Mildly concerning, but acceptable to a certain degree
- A most disgusting stench – this person must either be jailed or flogged alive by their significant other (in the absence of one of these, simply punch them in the face)
- Vomit inducing
Anyone guilty of #5 is jailed for a minimum of 35 years. Tough but fair, we believe. At Professional Moron we frown on flip-flops, but understand why some may wear them. 2015 will mark a watershed moment for the shoes, however, as the EU will be holding talks regarding whether the odorous stench of man feet, exasperated by flip-flop wearing, is a breach of moral standards. We shall await their verdict.