How To Solve Your Biggest Problems With Mustard

Don’t let it see the whites of your eyes!!

Hear this, people of Earth who donut eat mustard! You may face problems in life! Problems such as a flat tyre on your vehicle, a runny nose, a midge stuck in your eye, dandruff, stupid big man feet, mouldy cheese in the fridge, or chronic sneezing fits. These are problems. There, however, is, though, a cure.

The cure is mustard. Mustard is yellow stuff which you smear on food stuffs to create a horrifying tangy sensation which can make your eyes bleed. Whilst the more cretinous members of society may have an issue with this, please do realise the enlightened folk of the world know mustard to be the glorious alleviator of all things rubbish.

Mustard itself was born in 1663 to a working class family. Raised purely on a diet of vinegar and petulance, so too mustard became vinegary and petulant. Yet worse was to follow the worst. Bullied at school by horseradish and mayonnaise, mustard became an outsider who brewed furiously, yet silently, in a mixture water, salt, and lemon. In short, this made mustard one tough SOB.

This lesson in life made mustard a sensation when it released itself onto the food market in 1700. Chefs hurled themselves upon it and restaurants foisted mustard soup, mustard cake, and mustard cocktails onto their terrified patrons. Over thyme these practices were refined and now you’ll find mustard typically nestling on top of a hotdog (a “sausage” made out of rat’s intestines, salt, aspic, and cement dust) and in wasabi.

Thusly, mustard has found its place in life as a condiment in the pub of life. People stand and dither at the condiment table, usually plumping for tomato ketchup like the fatuous plebs they are, but the reality is mustard is the one. Mustard will brighten your life. Mustard. Is. Yellow.

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