Exclusive New Recipe: Garlic Ice Cream!

Garlic, soon to be inserted into ice cream.

What on Earth made us think of this bizarre concoction, you wonder? Well, dear readers, it’s pretty easy: garlic has the word “lick” in it. What do you do with ice creams? Exactly. It is this type of demented thinking which has kept us at the forefront of dangerously insane food products over the last three years!

Garlic itself is famous for making people’s breath stink of garlic. This is bad news if you, say, have a hot date with a hot dude like Sir Prince Harry, but it’s great news if you want to repulse your colleagues… should they be annoying you, or something. Not that there’s internal strife at Professional Moron, but we do grate on each other’s nerves like an anvil dropping on a sack of onions.

As a vegetable it’s pretty ace. Garlic belongs to the vegetable family, specifically the “veg” syllable, and can be used in foods such as lasagne, stir fries, and shepherd’s pie. Rarely in the history of everything has it been used as an ice cream flavour, probably as the taste would be fairly repugnant, but there is always a time for firsts!

To overcome the horrible taste issue we’ve plumped for a handy ingredient known as “sugar”, of which there will be a near fatal amount per every 500g. Indeed, this is why garlic ice cream can only be served two dollops at a time. Fear not, the overwhelming sugary kick (allied with a subtle hint of garlic) will either put you off food entirely for the next 48 hours, render you unconscious, or kill you instantaneously.

Failing any of those, it’ll give you an almighty energy burst which will see you through your darkest hour (this will be the first hour following the consumption of garlic ice cream). It’ll be available in shops, we hope, at the start of 2016 priced £50 ($100) per tub. Bone aperitif!


    • It’s okay, we’re giving away the first 5,000 tubs for free! This is a clever marketing gimmick to get the word out on the street: “Did you hear about garlic ice cream?! It’s grotesque!” And people will taste test, even at $100, to see for themselves. We are evil geniuses. Mwahahahahaaa!


        • Unfortunately my last webinar resulted in a city wide riot in my native city of Manchester, and I was subsequently banned by the British government from partaking in any further didactic visual recourse. I can, however, impart with the following digital marketing knowledge: “Don’t let them see the whites of your eyes!!!!” Indeed.

          Liked by 1 person

  1. Here in NZ there used to be beer flavoured icecream. Really. “Speights Old Dark”, which did, indeed, capture the flavour of the beer of the same name. I haven’t seen it around for a while, though. Pity, as it was good stuff in both forms.

    Liked by 1 person

Dispense with some gibberish!

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