Mangoes… dammit, the destruction! The mango fruit is all about “go”. Mangoes are one of the most sickly sweet fruits on Earth, packing so much sugary goodness you’ll have a great deal of trouble stopping when you’re that hepped up. Those who have succumbed to overenthusiasm after eating a mango are known as mangones.
You can find moving commemorative plaques in mango consumers’ honour positioned in bizarre locations around the world, where the victim has been unable to stop “going” and ploughed into, or off of, something at unabated speed. Such destruction should not be attributed to an innocuous fruit, which is why we’ve stepped in to create harmony!
In an attempt to quell the rising incidences of mangones, Professional Moron decided to create an alternative to mangos. These new fruits do what they say on the peel – slow you down a great deal. We have named this latest food product of ours the manstop, simply as we’ve crammed it with innovative ways to really induce a thunderous halt to your day. Intriguing, huh?
“Okay, so what have you done to a perfectly nutritious fruit, you heathens?!?” Whoa! Back off with your belligerence, fool, we’re only trying to help! But, since you asked, we’ve made manstops in a specially formulated way. By this we mean something along the lines of: when you consume one, you’ll probably be knocked unconscious.
The manufacturing process involves shredding the mango of its flesh and draining it in a strainer, removing all satiating attributes. The flesh is then injected with devious chemicals, such as growth hormones and pesticides which are sure to dim your intellectual faculties. These include the likes of fungicides, avicides, herbicides, algicides, miticides, molluscicides, virucides, rodenticides, bactericides, and anything else which severely inhibits energetic neurological activity.
The manstop flesh is then marinated in gin, and weighted down with lead pellets. You will, quite literally, weigh yourself down with manstop! It really is quite insanely dangerous in its ingenuity, and should spark a storm of controversy across the food industry. Like we care! We got in there first with our flagrant disregard for human safety, and we intend to profit from our demented vision immeasurably.
You may have heard of the old adage Get up and go. Correct? With manstop our tagline is: Get up and Lassitude! We initially went with Don’t bother with anything, but we’re not about nihilism here at Professional Moron. We simply like throwing fancy words around so we don’t come across as the complete idiots we really are.
Anyway, we digress, keep an eye out for manstops in the shops! They’ll be easy to find as there’ll be a heap of unconscious people piled up around the stall. £10 ($30) a fruit!