LinkedIn is a popular business networking tool for modern professionals. Indeed, one has to be so professional to use it the site outright bans anyone who isn’t wearing a suit and tie in their profile picture. If you fail this fundamental stipulation, you’re blacklisted, banned from the site, and reported to the FBI for covert monitoring. Luckily, most business folk these days are extremely professional. Our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif sure is – he does everything in a suit and tie, including sleeping, showering, and sunbathing!
Through LinkedIn, business people can connect and compliment other people’s career choices. They can also flirt outrageously if they so wish, as witnessed during the LinkedIn Flirtgate of September 2015. Regardless, the trick to getting a dead ace LinkedIn profile is to limit the narcissism. Whilst extroverts may struggle to reign in the self-aggrandising rhetoric, introverts are more likely to struggle to say anything positive at all, thusly highlighting the stressful times we live in.
This is why we’ve invented BlinkedIn, a professional networking system to ramp up competition even further! Young professionals are encouraged to join the service and have Blink Offs, whereby they have video conference calls and blink each other down. Whomever emerges victorious (the loser, inevitably, collapses in a heap having endured either a seizure or an emotional breakdown) gets Blunked. This is the equivalent of a Like on Facebook. Totally worth it.
Blinking is behind every element of the app, so if you can’t blink don’t go thinking there’s a sensible alternative. Indeed, the only solution is to hire (at £100 an hour) a substitute blinker, who will act as your blinker in order to access the app. Is this unnecessarily expensive, difficult, and stupid? Yes!
Blinking is an absolute necessity for the BlinkedIn member. You blink to: sign in (one must jam one’s smartphone towards one’s eyeball and blink), answer messages, sign out, type messages, fend off would-be suitors, and update one’s profile with your latest business achievement, such as: “Just ordered a frappe mocha cappuccino, now going to emerge victorious from my latest Blink Off. Bring it on!”
Naturally all this blinking has a colossal drain on your facial muscles. Principally, the upper eyelid muscles the orbicularis oculi and levator palpabrae superioris muscles take a hell of a beating. Repetitive usage of these muscles can lead to eye fatigue, which may make your eyelids slam shut, which may in turn make it look like you’ve fallen asleep. This doesn’t look very professional, so make sure you update your LinkedIn profile with a BlinkedIn memo. To do this, you blink 20 times. This may induce screams of agony.
Ultimately, is there any purpose to BlinkedIn? Absolutely! You’ll blink your way to the highest echelons of your chosen career path within 18 months, guaranteed, or your eyeballs back.