Without water you wouldn’t be reading this. Everyone would be not living – dead, essentially. A dehydrating notion, yes? Indeed, Earth would be like Mars – a vast, derelict planet populated only by red dust, rocks, and Matt Damon. Luckily, water does exist. You can find it in lakes, rivers, clouds, people’s eyeballs, taps, and now on Mars, as it turns out.

Astonishingly, you can now, in modern society, purchase bottled water. Bottled water is water which has been bottled. It’s, effectively, like taking a tap with you everywhere, which wouldn’t be possible normally as you’d cause irreparable damage to your kitchen or bathroom sink. Tearing taps from an enamel unit simply isn’t necessary as you can buy bottled water in plastic and glass containers. Soon, courtesy of environmentally friendly dudes at Ooho, you’ll be able to drink water from an edible blob! How’d you like them apples? In an edible blob, Matt Damon!

There are many and varied negatives and benefits to the bottle water and tap water debate. There are those who insist tap water is infected with effluence, and will consequently warp your mind. Others say bottled water is merely tap water but in a bottle, thusly providing no real benefit. Why call a spade the International Space Station when it’s merely a spade, eh?

Today we’re going to delve into this contentious debate with our considerations on what’s best. Hold onto your butts, it’s going to be a stupid ride.

Tap Water

It’s free (sort of) and gushes exuberantly from taps. Depending on which conspiracy theory you subscribe to, tap water is either seriously good for you, or clogged with pollutants.

We interviewed several leading taps with regard to this article, including those from The Queen of England’s bathtub, and two from Prime Minister David Cameron’s kitchen sink. All we got for our troubles was a breaking and entering ASBO (anti-social behaviour order, for you none English sorts) from the pigs, and the discovery taps aren’t sentient beings with vocal chords. We’ve been bloody conned!

Bottled Water

It isn’t free, and once the bottle is empty you’re going to be left to die of thirst. Harsh, but that’s how it rolls in the world of bottled water. Once finished, simply lug the plastic bottle into the ocean to contribute further to the glorious monument to laziness that is the Great Pacific garbage patch.

Learning from our tap blunders, we decided against interviewing the inanimate objects. We focused our attention on random litterers we observed in Manchester, chasing after them with Selfie sticks to give them a good thrashing. Unfortunately, as we’re so hopelessly unfit (we work in an office 24/7, what do you expect?), we could only manage 12 paces before collapsing unconscious.

Conclusions

None. Oh, except don’t break into houses. Also, don’t forget to recycle. So, two conclusions! Pay heed to them, dear readers.