Exclusive Invention: Smellingtons (like wellingtons, but with a putrid fragrance)!

Fashion wellington
This is a normal wellington set. For legal, and health, reasons, we can’t show you what we’ve created.

Wellingtons are great and all that, but there’s one big problem with these fashion friendly devices. “Okay, what’s that then?” you yodel. Well, dear reader, it’s plain and simple – the things just don’t smell enough! You see, the design of the wellington keeps the mouldy foot odour right down at the bottom. In normal shoes, the stench is allowed to fester properly and drenches anyone unfortunate enough to be in smelling range.

Brilliantly, we’ve come up with an ingenious way to make wellingtons stink more. We’ve invented… the smellington! It’s a remarkable contraption and is quite the feat of engineering. What we did, right, is design a standard wellington, but make the base get really, really, really warm (there’s a mini-radiator installed in the sole). Thusly, the wellington wearer’s feet begin to sweat quite uncontrollably. The result? A depraved stench!

Obviously this isn’t quite enough, which is why smellingtons are made out of rotting fish carcasses and cow manure. To keep them sturdy enough for human endurance, they are glued together with harsh chemicals such as bleach, turpentine, chopped onions, and raw garlic. They are, during production, rubbed across 100 wet dogs and are left to marinate in cheese before being laminated with strengthening superglue.

The astonishing stench this gifts the smellington is, indeed, astonishing. As with many of Professional Moron’s inventions, a government warning leaflet is issued with each pair. A grown adult is only allowed to wear smellingtons for five minute intervals. Failure to remove them before this time would lead to all sorts of unpleasant illnesses, so we’d advise you do take them off! Pronto, sir or madam!

So, who in their right mind would want to wear these things? Well, if you don’t like people standing near you at, say, weddings, on public transport, or when you’re in the queue at Subway Sandwiches, simply fit these on and you’ll create equidistance before John Lennon can say “give geese a chance”!

You’ll be able to preorder them from this site next month at the humble price of £300 a smellington. We don’t ship abroad, sorry everyone else!

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