Great Video Games That Never Were: Resident Weevil

Resident Evil
Resident… weevil!

It’s Halloween. What video games are scary? Well, Resident Evil is one of the all time scariest video games ever! Released on the PlayStation in 1997, it caused a stir (like a witch stirring her cauldron of eyeballs and dead rats in front of a bunch of lily-livered pansies!) amongst scaredy pants gamers by making folk scream in horror at the horrendous dialogue and voice acting. All these years on, not much has changed there in the video games industry! *We pause for laughter and applause*

What makes a video game genuinely scary? It certainly isn’t due to godawful narrative structures, we assure you. Atmospherics and super nasty scary things made out of graphics are what make for a truly terrifying experience. Indeed, Resident Evil 4 remains bone chillingly frightening. Cripes, there’s even a stage on Super Mario 64 which scare us rigid due to the music! Sadly, though, Resident Evil is pretty pants these days. This is why we’ve stepped up to reinvent the series!

Resident Weevil is what we’ve come up with! We first happened upon weevils in Empire of the Sun (the film) when young Jim (Christian Bale) eats them to fend off starvation. Ever since, we’ve often thought they’d be perfect for a horror game. Thusly, we have our impending indie title!

Resident Weevil is much like Resident Evil, except not at all. Instead of putrefied zombies there will be relatively innocuous weevils everywhere. At first we though the game would be like this: your duty, as the protagonist (a 7ft tall basketball player stuck in a weevil crisis), is to run around gunning down borderline microscopic weevils. Now… to you this may sound a bit dull and pointless, and we’d be the first to agree. Where’s the challenge?

This is why we’ve decided to “Do a NES”. What this means is as follows: ramp up the difficulty through artificial means. In this instance, Resident Weevil will become a puzzle game much like Tetris. You will have to gather millions of lost weevils and return them, individually, to their place of residence. Hence the title Resident Weevil. However, the weevils are annoying little gits and you have to repeatedly grab them. Once you’ve taken them to their residence, they often escape and you have to catch them again. The game has no ending.

Yeah, so it might need some work, but we’re stuck in post-pre-production we’re having to release a stupid game. Is it scary? No. Will it be infuriatingly tedious? Yes! Resident Weevil will be released at £100 ($150) on the Sega Dreamcast. Innit.

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