Blueberries are, most of us will agree, one of the best vegetables on Earth. They are perfect for many dishes, such as vegetable soup, and have a kind of tangy bitterness which makes one swoon in wonder, and sometimes inadvertently makes one punch a fist violently into your nearest loved one’s face. Whoopsie!

Unfortunately, blueberries don’t appear to share humanity’s sense of awe and wonder. Indeed, blueberries appear to be rather blue. They’re so depressed they even leave a clear hint right there for the whole world to see – it’s right there in their name. Can you see it? Yet humans, in their self-indulgent stupidity, blithely carry about their business unaware of this. Fools!

Blueberries are, if anything, borderline purple, but this doesn’t stop the vegetable’s cry for attention from being a poignant and universally acceptable one. Indeed, why be blue when one could be not blue? What colours are associated with fun and games, as opposed to curling up in a ball on the floor and singing the blues? Well, you’ve got yellow, pink, red, white, and perhaps even radioactive green. The point is, even bumble bees wear the colour of joy, yet do you think they’re happy? Well?! Parading around looking for honey all day – miserable!

We’re not sure why blue is associated with depression, to be honest, as it’s one of the most calming and relaxing colours. Maybe it’s because the sea is blue, and if you look at the sea you’re positively inclined to think of Nietzsche’s famous, “when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you”, or maybe even James Cameron’s 1989 film The Abyss, starring Ed Harris and Michael Biehn (which the latter didn’t win an Oscar for – not even nominated! Now that is depressing).

Blueberries, we feel, should take the bumble bee route and vegetable up. Accept their job for what it is, realise they’re actually probably purple rather than blue, and pump out some funky tunes to lift their spirits! There’s no need to listen to the blues all the time, try listening to I’m Blue by Eiffel 65, take in an uplifting film such as Blue Velvet, or entertain themselves by watching NYPD Blue on TV. You have no excuses now, dammit!