Evolutionary Theory: Why Horses Are Hoarse (Neigh!)

Hoarse horse
This horse may or may not be hoarse.

There is a breed of woman known as a horsey woman. The definition for this is as follows:

Horsey Woman – adjective and preposition (also an adverb): A type of woman whom has an all-encompassing and pedantic obsession with horses. Will answer most questions and observations with the prefix "Neeeiighhh!" before launching into an enthusiatic description of horses, including horse manure and other horse related byproducts (such as horseradish). 

Even the most ardent horsey woman will admit horses are extremely noisy animals, which has led us to theorise scientifically (we’re qualified evolutionary biologists, don’t you know?) about how and why horses are hoarse. As you may have guessed, it’s to do with the unholy din they create wherever they go. However, to get to the route of this hoarseness we must first examine the horse itself. Onwards, Macduff!

The Horse

When you stop to think about the horse and take a good long hard look at one, you finally realise just how bizarre these creatures are. What’s with those legs? Supermodels haven’t conquered this level of superfluous emaciation – why are horses doing this to themselves? How can it support its massive frame, and often the weight of a jockey, on several toothpicks?

The answer is simple – horses are on steroids to battle on through the problem. This is why they’re so belligerent a lot of the time, which naturally leads to voluble outbursts which can cause an almighty notion. As a consequence of this, the horse (and those around it) become hoarse from having to constantly talk over the relentless pandemonium. This situation is exacerbated by the horses’ feet.

The Hoof

Horse shoes, as they are more commonly referred to, are clippity-cloppoty devices which propel horses around their familiar habitats. Horses typically frolic merrily upon farmyards and in sweeping expanses of land, such as the Mongolian-Manchurian steppe. In the UK, horses are also used by police officers to crush uprisings from proletariat scumbags or to control rampaging football hooligans.

Hoofs are integral to a horses’ mobility. Without the hoof, the horse would be immobile. However, the hoof is also one noisy SOB which is enough to drown out even the loudest of conversations. This appalling scenario is complemented further by another horse-based irritation.

The Neigh

With all this bloody racket going on it’s no wonder horses are hoarse. To add tinnitus to annoyance, horses have one of the most hilariously insulting ways of communicating in the world. “The neigh”, as it is known, is a guttural roar produced by horses in moments of wonder, agitation, distress, contemplation, annoyance, or general indifference.

It’s a peculiar noise which sounds like a distended sneeze. Quite what this even is we don’t know – probably one of those sneezes where snot comes out by mistake making you look like a total gross doofus. Oh well, not to matter. You may be a doofus but at least you’ve not made yourself hoarse by merely being a horse. These creatures and their self-destructive ways… when will they learn? When will they learn?


Dispense with some gibberish!

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