Okay, so we’ve not seen a single episode of hit TV show How I Met Your Mother and we have no intention of ever watching it either. It’s just something about the cinematography which puts us off, along with the unfunny memes we’ve seen all across the internet, and the fact the premise sounds vomit inducing. Our apologies, did we write something as dramatic as that? We meant bone-crunchingly repugnant and, according to Microsoft Word, “crunchingly” isn’t even a word!

“Yes, it’s met with critical and commercial acclaim!” you shriek… but then so has Justin Bieber, fool! In your face with your pretty well-reasoned argument, but Professional Moron shuts you down again and again! This is why we’ve been busy with a spinoff series, now the original one has finally ended (9 series… did they overdo it a bit?!). By adding a bit of an uber modern digital theme we have How I Met Your Motherboard. It’s going to be swell!

How I Met Your Motherboard

For those of you confused – a motherboard is the central printed circuit board (PCB) within microcomputers and a myriad of other expandable systems. The thing communicates with a central processing unit (CPU) and a device’s memory to, like, transmit stuff onto a computer screen and all that. Heck, who knows how any of this fancy technology works? It’s probably all made by wizards three miles underground and the UN is lying to us!

The show follows the life of an ageing mobile phone played by Kevin Spacey. His character, the XV-100A, and his ageing friends (a motley collection of tablets, smartphones, and smartwatches) who are undergoing a mid-life crises. Cruising around the local technology stores trying to “pull” top totty they, naturally, have the goal to eventually meet the aforementioned totty’s motherboard to discuss excellent ways on how to cook flans, clean a hob without leaving unsightly scratch marks, and reboot without damaging their hard drive.

Episodes would have revolved around the mishaps of these lovable rascals and their misguided goals. With an all-star cast, it would have been mega! Jason Segel starred in the original series, so we’ve gone for Steven Seagull in this one. He may be 63 but, heck, we’re sure he knows a lot about computers. If he doesn’t… heck! He’s an actor, he can pretend he does! It would have also starred Morgan Freeman, Werner Herzog, and Harry Dean Stanton.

An Oscar Winning Show!

The great moment when a TV show was so fantastic it won an Oscar for Best Film! That would have happened in 2016 if this series had been given the go-ahead, which is a damning indication today’s TV executives have no idea what they’re doing! There would have been so many memorable episodes, such as:

• The one where Kevin Spacey goes out to improve his RAM but naively acquires a ramrod and inadvertently triggers a city-wide riot when showing it off to citizens.
• The Disk Defragmenter special where the cast get a collective memory cleanup but accidentally replace their memories with the devices owned by Miley Cyryus. Overcome with narcissism, they have taken 300,000 Selfies each by the end of the episode.
• That one where Kevin Spacey is watching House of Cards on himself and makes an inter-textual nod to the audience.
• The Electromagnetic Pulse special where everyone almost has their circuit boards fried and there is a manic rush to keep everyone alive. A one-off dramatic special, Steven Seagull one a Golden Raspberry for Worst Actor thanks to his portrayal of an emotionally devastated iPad.
• The episode where Kevin Spacey does finally meet a motherboard and accidentally spills water over her which leads to the motherboard short circuiting. The motherboard’s daughter, a cheap knock-off tablet by an inferior brand, gives him a smack for his troubles.

What a shame How I Met Your Motherboard never existed. For shame, Hollywood… for shame!