Exclusive Recipe: Cheese on Roast (dinner)!

Cheese on roast
This is an example of what cheese looks like. We advise you use better cheese, though, as this one is full of holes.

Roast dinners and cheese don’t tend to get mentioned in the same sentence together. All of this changes as of today – here at Professional Moron we’ve invented the glorious cheese on roast! It’s essentially a roast dinner but with one extra ingredient. About 5kg of the aforementioned extra ingredient, to be exact, bearing in mind 1kg equals about the weight of a bottle of wine.

There’s not enough cheese in this world, I think we’d all agree. I think we’d all agree there isn’t enough cheese included with roast dinners. As a consequence, we’ve chosen mature cheddar cheese to take the legendary roast dinner and insert a giant dollop of diary to make everything so much cheesier. No need to thank us! Thank the cows.

Cheese on Roast

Yes, cheese on roast will make your insipid Sunday dinners all the more exciting. Imagine the look on the faces of your family, friends, and enemies (if you invite your enemies to dinner – that’s up to you*) as you neatly splodge a heaving mound of molten cheese onto the dinner table. You cannot buy memories like that. Well… you can, it’s just at the price of 5kg of cheese.

The glorious thing is the creation of this dish simply couldn’t be easier! This, of course, depends on how “easy” you classify making a huge roast dinner for a family of at least four. Indeed, as easy as making a Pot Noodle! Thusly, after slaving away over an oven for four hours in preparation, you must take the enormous wedges of cheese out of the fridge and melt it down somehow.

Do this in whichever way you consider the best available option. Microwave it, take a hairdryer to the stuff, use a flamethrower,  throw a box of matches at it, or get your family to stand about breathing on it until it melts. Whatever, once it’s melted you’re ready!


Remove the roast dinner from the oven at this point and liberally pour the cheese all over the place. A favourite practice of ours is to place the roast dinner in the centre of the communal table and, as your loved ones look on with horrified delight, you pour all of the cheese onto the roast until it’s flooding across the table, onto the floor, and it’s seeping into the foundations of your house.

Indeed, be wary of the latter bit. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, had his house collapse on him after several weeks of cheese on roasts. The insurance company wasn’t impressed and the police (or “the filth” as Mr. Wapojif kept calling them when they visited) clobbered our editor with a truncheon. He’s currently in hospital recovering. His house lies in a heap on the floor. Be wary of cheese on roast, citizens!

*We usually do and the whole meal typically ends with extreme bouts of violence but, hey, we’re all about the anarchy.


  1. So, Mr. Wapojif had a truncheon for luncheon! Haha, sorry, it’s just that the Professional Moron Gravatar looks a lot like the piece of cheese featured in the article, and I’ve become confused.


    • That is not a piece of cheese, it is how I look first thing in the morning. Once I’ve shaved and combed my eyebrows I’m usually more acceptable for society.


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