Following two days of barely coherent hyperbole about lychee (lying lychee and leeches and lychee), we’re going to take a look at lychee based products. Specifically, one of the more peculiar lychee based products: lychee fizzy drinks. Even more specifically, Rubicon’s Lychee Sparkling 330ml can. It’s sugary fun in an aluminium box!

Normally fizzy drinks are banned in the Professional Moron office (on pain of having the word “poohead” drawn on one’s forehead – you have to be brutally harsh to be fair), but we allowed this as a taste-test exception. It’s a fizzy drink of lychee! This is like turning avocado into a pizza, and then serving this pizza on a bed of ice and bullet ants. Well, okay, maybe not that severe but it’s a radical concept nonetheless! We got our tastebuds ready and dove on in.

Rubicon Lychee Sparking 330ml Can

On its website Rubicon provides us all with this gem: “With Lychee, your nose will probably tell you how great it’s going to taste before it even hits your lips.” Quite what hits your lips we’re not sure. A punch? We certainly got one after we took the Rubicon can without exchanging monetary funds for it (what’s known as “theft”, or something).

After the shop owner chased us for a mile he collapsed in a sweaty heap in what was probably a cardiac arrest, but we didn’t hang around to find out. We were too eager to taste our fizzy drink! Unfortunately, as we’d been running, the can sprayed everywhere when we opened it. Consequently, we had to return to the shop to steal another one, whereupon we found the shopowner’s outraged friend who lamped us one again!

Anyway, once the police had calmed the matter we paid and got out hands on Rubicon’s Lychee Sparkling 330ml can – it is a delight. It’s like summer in an aluminium box, such is its brilliance. There’s an unusual lightness to it, like a croissant in a hovercraft, which adds a shimmer to your daily routine. Along with a ruse of sugary giddiness, of course.

What Stuff Should Lychee Be In?

Perhaps lychee isn’t ideal for fizzy drinks. We mean, really? Fizzy drinks don’t really have any discernible flavour, which made us wonder what type of things lychee should be in. Here are a few of our ideas:

• Sandwiches (yes!)
• Curry (perhaps…)
• Beans on toast (maybe)
• Coffee (erm…)
• Ice cream (surely this must exist)
• Eyeball soup (lychee are a good eyeball substitute)
• Fish, chips, gravy, & lychee (a traditional English staple)

Well we’re all out of ideas, and why not? It’s Friday night and we’re going to party! By party we mean sit around quietly making reserved comments about intellectually stimulating cultural texts. Rock on!