If there’s one thing we can’t stand at Professional Moron, it’s lies. Lies can take many forms, such as intimating to your best mate he should buy a tuna sandwich for the health benefits even though you know tuna is laced with mercury and the bread is white and laced with sugar and salt. The only thing your best mate is getting is a dose of badness, making you not much of a best mate and more… more of a worst mate, to be honest. Shame on you!
We hate liars (we also hate lairs, but that’s another story for another day). Thusly, we must turn to the most propaganda heavy fruit in the world: lychee. It’s such a big goddamn liar it’s got it right there in it’s name: ly (fruity language for being a lying SOB). Honest to cod, it really makes us froth wildly at the mouth, and that’s not just because we’ve been drinking anti-freeze lately (it’s been cold in Manchester).
Lychee: You Deceitful B******
Pathological lying, better known as compulsive lying or being a slippery SOB, is a complex psychological issue which causes pain, anguish, confusion, and the occasional extinction event.
Lychee’s lies begin with its casing. What do you call that? It’s like a sort of lizard-esque oddness which serves only to confuse stupid people and outrage those intelligent enough to realise the innards are edible.
We swear, the only way to open these things is to place one on a relatively flat surface (such as your kneecap), gain access to a hammer, and smash with gusto at the fruit until its innards are disseminated or you’ve lost consciousness due to agony and blood loss.
The innards of the lychee are its biggest lie. It’s a peculiar taste and, to everyone’s interminable horror, the fruit looks like a goddamn eyeball! Is it an eyeball, though? No. No, it isn’t. It’s exotic, nutritious, and tasty fruit. The effrontery of lychee knows no bounds!
Disgusted by this state of affairs, we’ve decided to teach this impertinent fruit a thing or two! This begins and ends with a renaming for lychee (lying, nasty, and disrespectful SOB!) to loyalchee (brave, stupendous, and trustworthy fellow). We’re going to grow our own and call our brand loyalchee. With the loyal people of the world on our side, this insolent fruit will end this lying nonsense.
You can only spell audacity with an “a” (you could write it as oardacity, we guess) and with the other letters, and Professional Moron has all the awe and oars it needs to name and shame lychee and bring about a brighter future for fruit salads and those drinks which have lychee in. You know the ones – rubicon. Indeed.