Evolutionary Theory: Are Leeches Related to Lychee?

Lychee and leeches
Lychee and leeches

Following on from yesterday’s post about lying lychee, today we’re examining why it might be a goddamn deceitful son of a gun. We won’t waste any time getting to the point: it’s probably due to leeches. You know, those bloodsucking fiends who, once upon a time, were used by “doctors” to cure illnesses such as botulism, tooth decay, ingrowing toenails, and male pattern balding.

It wasn’t uncommon to see men of the past walking around with 100 leeches attached to their skulls to act as a baldness cure. Whilst this merely brought about light-headed giddiness due to blood loss, it did at least make men (from a distance) look as if they had some sort of bizarre and fashionable new hairdo. “Erm… where does lychee come into this madness?” Shut your trap and read on, fool!

Leeches & Lychee

The duo have this kind of weird, gelatinous constitution which is at once most repulsive yet satisfying to behold (kind of like Willem Dafeo’s face). The big difference is lychee are largely edible, whereas leeches are not worth consuming as they will merely attach to your innards and bleed you dry. The evil things!

Turning to evolution (the natural device which sculpts the world like a sculptor sculpts sculptures), we make the claim lychee evolved from leeches. Why? It’s that gosh darned constitution – the slippery weirdness. They’re not for the squeamish, that’s for damn sure as mustard (mustard, incidentally, evolved from must – a cousin of dust).

Lychee also suck human blood. This is a little-known fact, but it can be observed quite easily. By repeatedly, and violently, ramming a lychee into, for instance, your face, you’ll notice blood will begin to flow freely down your face. This will typically continue until you pass out.

As you can see, lychee are pesky parasites! As for leeches, these insects are only found in tropical climates such as Spain and Norway, which is what first led us to believe it must be related to the lychee (what with them thriving in tropical salubrious weather conditions and having the same letter at the front of the respective adjectives).


Ultimately, we have to confess leeches and lychee probably didn’t evolve from each other. Leeches, being mammals, and the lychee fruit, being a vegetable, aren’t from the same genus which, consequently, makes it impossible for them to be related in any way.

Anyway, we certainly enjoyed ranting about lychee a tad more, but in response to our blog post’s question we have to respond with a resounding “no”. Some fruits have evolved from animals (the banana from the sausage dog, goats from coconuts, and the Yorkshire terrier evolved from the Yorkshire pudding) and have led successful existences.

The glorious thing about science is it doesn’t demand facts. We can make statements such as above and be appreciated by the scientific community for our candour and imagination. So, join us again soon for some more barely intelligible, utterly baseless evolutionary theory!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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